Normally, I’d be writing about celebrity camel toes and handicap porn but today is a special day in a very specifically tragic way. Today, we are wrestling with two blasphemous words that we thought we’d never say: President Trump.
Did you wake up this morning feeling like somebody died? You’re right. It was America’s soul, America’s fleeting goodness that perished and finally extinguished itself when it became known late last night that asshole extraordinaire, Donald J. Trump was not only leading in the polls, but projected to win the presidential bid by an overwhelming margin. And he did. I’m not a political analyst by any means, but I know an asshole when I see one.
8 years ago, America elected its 1st Black president. Today, it elected a candidate endorsed by the KKK.
— Sam Sanders (@samsanders) November 9, 2016
Good job, Angry America. You just made an openly racist, sexist, incorrigible human trash fire into the world’s most powerful man. This is the same asshat who said he’d date his own flesh-and-blood daughter if only he wasn’t her father. This is the guy who mocks handicap people. This is the dunce who celebrates sexual assault and passes it off as “locker room talk.” This is the idiot who said “It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”
Now this guy has access to the nuclear codes. Stevie Wonder put it nicely:
After 16 months of grueling campaigning, America is hungover as shit. Depressed. Anxious. Because we know we picked the wrong guy. That needling discomfort in the cockles of your asshole? That’s not IBS, friends, that’s your trembling instincts struggling to reconcile the fact that the Devil himself is going to finger-fuck the country right in the pussy and tear it apart, race by race, dollar by dollar until our identity and values are eradicated. Just scroll through your facebook feed. How many articles do you see that promise emotional consoling? These essays are like the online equivalent of grief counselors because we’ve just been traumatized. The worse-case scenario is here and he’s rich, despotic, hateful and completely fine with it.
You can take some small comfort in the fact that Donald Trump did not win the popular vote. That means the majority of your fellow Americans voted for Hillary Clinton, but she obviously didn’t win because of the Electoral College. But that’s a whole ‘nother can of dogshit.
Okay, that’s all I’m going to say about that. Some other things happened that you may not have heard about simply because you were too depressed.
- Proposition 60. Remember the condom bill that requires all porn actors to wear a jimmy before they fuck on film? Well, despite Michael Weinstein’s bullshit crusade, California voters rejected it!
- Marijuana became legalized in four states and they are: California, Nevada, Maine and Massachusetts.
- Canada’s immigration website crashes due to a deluge of Americans researching how to move to the Great White North!
- Four states approved higher minimum wage! (Arizona, Colorado, Maine, Washington State)
- Three states passed tighter gun control policies! (California, Nevada, Washington State, Maine)
Hangover Cures for the 2016 Election
I know you’re feeling down. I’m feeling pretty damn sad too. So let’s stimulate those reward centers in your brain with some choice porn. Oh, I know this is not a very elegant segue but I still have a job to do. Didn’t looking at the picture above make you feel better? Go ahead and check out our PORN.COM categories and combine the tags to find the really kinky stuff!
The Final Word
We will get by. Getting by is what we do. The progressive wheels are already in motion. If anything, this is a major wake up call to the nation. Scroll down for more needed porn distraction and humor! Chin up. We’re going to be fine.