Editorials

4 Bone(r)-Chilling Halloween Pornos You Must Watch

I love Halloween because it’s one of the few simulated themed holidays that I actually enjoy AND it’s also one of the few holidays that gets infinitesimally cooler with age. Black cat costumes become slutty junior stripper black cat costumes. Candy falls to the wayside in favor of booze-fueled swinger parties. The very best of naughty alliances, it’s almost like Halloween and Sex are brothers from another mother ‘NAW MEAN??!

Anyway, I pilfered Porn.com’s extensive library o’ smut for some of the funniest, most outrageous Halloween porn ever to bounce off my retinas. Get ready to cash your ticket in for ultimate B-porno movie heaven!

1.) The Beast Within (2002)

The Beast Within is a campy, cheese-tastic werewolf movie from back in the golden age when porn had stories (9 full minutes of plot in this badboy!) and erotic ambition. The movie opens up with two busty chicks strolling around a boardwalk carnival when they decide to enter a fun house. Professional pirate, Brian Surewood overacts the shit out of his role as a crazy-eyed, carnival house hype man.

After falling in love with lycan carnie, Ben English, Cameron Cain starts going through ch-ch-changes! Full of hilarious, cheap werewolf effects a la Teen Wolf.

Starring: Cameron Cain, Jasmine Lynn, Velvet Rose, Brian Surewood, Marc Cummings, Mr. Pete, Rafe

 

2.) Satan’s Little Helper

You’re right if your first thoughts were “Oh that midget gargoyle is totally taking that blond to Pound Town.”

About to leave on his business trip, the husband gives his concerned wife, Trinity Maxx a good luck charm in the form of a grape drink-colored little monster man. Late night hijinks ensue?

 

3.) Terrors of the Clit 2

It’s rare for a sequel to outshine its predecessor but it happens. Godfather 2, Dark Knight, and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey come to mind. Terrors of the Clit 2 isn’t any of those. Actually, I couldn’t find part 1 so I said oh hells BELLS, fuck it, what’s the difference, it’s a porno.

But after watching TOTC2, I kinda want to check out the first one. Drawing inspiration for its chintzy intro straight from pulpy cult hit, Tales of the Crypt, Terrors of the Clit 2 features a fat, old, pussy-hound vampire host cracking dirty jokes as he introduces four original tales of carnality gone devilishly askew. The host is good cheeky fun. Think Grandpa Munster on Viagra and ecstasy.

 

 

4.) Porn.com Halloween Special with Tiffany Star and Will Powers

Trick or treating takes a perverted detour when Tiffany Star, dolled up as a slutty junior stripper witch, knocks on Will Power’s door and he answers in nothing but a bathrobe with his cock stuffed in a jack-o-lantern full of candy. Will eggs her inside with the promise of an even more satisfying treat. Tiffany follows him into his bedroom to presumably find out what it feels like to straddle a real broomstick between her legs HARDY FUCKIN’ HAR. Nope, not gonna delete that last sentence.

 

Remember to come back on the 22nd of October for Porn.com TV’s True Blood XXX Parody!

 

 

 

You Might Also Like