Celebrities

5 Celebrities Who Were Meant for Porn!

Every day, a new crop of aspiring actors and actresses – running off half-ass encouragements from their student counselors – make the trek westward, in search of untold fame and global recognition. Some will make the cut, others will crash and burn and the rest will get to wax their acting chops as surly waitstaff.

Sex sells. Period. It’s no coincidence that Hollywood and Porn Valley are sandwiched in the same town with the latter picking up the excess run-off of rejected talent. I’m not here to talk about them, fuck no, at least porn stars are honest about their range. Not every girl can take a well-placed jizz rocket to the dome with such poise. No, what really grinds my gears are these wretched, no-talent actors who have deluded themselves into thinking they can act worth a fuck when their best contribution to the viewing public could be porn! Without further adieu, here are five celebrities who should’ve been porn stars!

“You gotta remember to cradle the grand kids!”

1. Tara Reid

There was a time (.03 seconds) when this hot blond siren was the belle of the ball, of course, that was before everyone and their brother heard she was a level 61 booze hound and more diseased than Snooki’s pap smear. Hell, when someone says her name, my mind immediately conjures up that scene in “American Pie” when she’s spread-eagle, getting her pussy eaten out like its a hot chicken dinner. That scene was already one heat lamp away from being an actual porn. Ah, but what about that botched tit job where one of her breasts looked like she nursed a tazmanian devil? Way ahead of ya.

Suggested Break Out Porn Movie: “Franken Titty: It’s Feeding Time!”
Click Here for Porn.com’s Tara Reid Parody!


 

Those robots can act better than me! Oh noes!

2. Megan Fox (and all other future Transformers eye candy)

Megan Fox is hot. She’s hotter than hot. Hot would ask Megan Fox for a light, and then scream when she torched his eyebrows off. Don’t get me wrong, Megan Fox is pure, all-natural cinematic eye-candy running around all sexy-like in ill-fitting daisy dukes as giant CGI robots kick over skyscrapers. But, sadly tragedy broke and this acting ingenue was fired.

Solution: Come on down to Porn, Megan! Trust me, it’s nearly identical to what you’re doing now. We’ve got pervy, long-haired directors too who love shooting their women in the most lecherous way possible and PLUS, we don’t give one tiny fuck about how well you deliver your lines. What’s that? You also shared a girl-on-girl kiss in “Jennifer’s Body” and have a thing for older, broke and totally unworthy men?

Baby, you were born for porn. And the best part is, you don’t even have to change your name!

 

Combined IQ of -540

3. The Entire Cast of Jersey Shore

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite hated crew of borderline retarded, pumpkin-colored assholes. Admittedly, I’ve caught a few whiffs of this popular MTV reality show and the one fact that I learned about these dull-eyed juicers and their bejeweled, crispy-skinned female counterparts is that they love to fuck. Anyone. Everyone. Each other. All the time. These horndogs even have their own dingy “smoosh” room where all EIGHT roommates share their drunken after party sex. I imagine that under a black light inspection, said room would light up like a jizzy Tron movie. Far from it for me to be shocked if MTV suddenly pulled a moratorium on the show on the account of a rampant crabs outbreak.

So before you burnt bastards all join a skin cancer support group, rub those remaining braincells together, make a fire and do the right thing and make a porn.

Don’t write a fucking memoir, Snooks and J.WOW, you may as well cash in on those ridiculously fake tits while the gettin’ is good. At best, you’re all D-list celebs, just dangling on the crowded end of a long, corny doo doo rope of other no-talent monkeys waiting for that final flush. And Mike, the “Situation?” Do us a favor and smash yourself in the face with a claw hammer.

 

Fuck that prick Don Draper, Bacon is what’s for dinner.”

4. January Jones

When I first spotted this blond beauty, she was playing the villainous role of White Queen in the latest “X-men” film. I don’t know if it was because she was acting opposite to the awesomeness that is Kevin Bacon that made her seem so shitty, but yeah, sorry January, your performance was a FAIL. She’s mastered that blank-stare-failed-lobotomy look down pat. She’s not even worthy to be in an X-men porn parody. But hot and fuckable?

Shit yes!

 

 

 

It almost happened…

5. Nick Nolte

is the fucking man! I laughed my little 12 year-old ass off watching the chirpy, racist banter between Nolte’s burnt out cop character and Eddie Murphy in the grand-daddy of all buddy/cop flicks, “48 Hours.” But I haven’t seen fuck-all from this guy since. What the fuck? Has he been active? Is he even alive? Who knows?

Exactly. That’s why Porn needs this crazy, old warhorse. Could you imagine the dusty, old dickhead charm Nick Nolte could bring to the table? I can see it now in my mind’s eye: that magnificent, mangy sumbitch is straddling a babe, his withered cock looking like month-old popcorn shrimp gone rotten, all the while wheezing and fucking and passing out and then fucking again, and then finally vomiting all over the place and then apologizing with series of slurred “Gawdammits” and guttural “Aww hells” – yeah, of course you agree. That’s fucking awesome times infinity, right there, enlightened reader!

 

Honorable Mentions:

Jennifer Love Hewitt
Christina Hendricks
Sarah Palin
Denise Richards
Jessica Biel
Christina Applegate
Olsen Twins

Comments? Accolades? Or just general bitchy remarks? Sound off in the comments section, keyboard warriors!

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