Editorials

6 Wacky Super Powers Your Jizz Has!

Fact of the Universe #407: There hasn’t ever been a man born – past, present, or future – who does not enjoy the sensation of getting his load swallowed.

Hell, we love it so much we’ll even invent pseudo-scientific facts that always sheepishly begin kind of like:

“Hey, honey…no, no you’re doing a great job, that feels really good…@#$%! Giggity-giggity goo for the love of god, don’t stop. But hey…I don’t know if you know this, but did you know that my ball batter is actually a reaaally good source of protein? HMMMM?”

As if your girlfriend couldn’t just get a glass of milk or eat some quinoa.

Well, that’s not actually bullshit! Verified by real and weird health professionals, your jism really does contain highly nutritious vitamins like B12, zinc, calcium, etc. It’s like eating a bowl of Total ! Your spunk also has other weird super powers and applications – read more to find out!

 

Fact 1: It Does the Body Good

Yes, it’s true. Jizz is chock-full of vitamins like vitamin B12, calcium, magnesium, selenium, zinc and sugar-based enzymes. One fresh load of your dick spit yields the same amount of vitamin C found in one orange. Pay attention, Centrum!

 

 

 

Fact 2: Allergies?!

Okay, onward with the weird facts. I gotta hurry through this article before I puke all over my keyboard. Your nut butter can cause a very small percentage of women to have mild allergic reactions. Well, how about that. Reactions include fun stuff like:

  • Genital itching
  • Swelling
  • Blisters
  • Hives
  • Emotional Clinginess

So, in other words, to 5 percent of all women, your cock snot is like poison ivy.

 

Not allergic to sperm

 

 

 

Fact 3: Man-Goo Fights Against Depression

I’m not making this shit up. Sperm bats away the blues. It’s backed by science! According to a 2002 study by psychologist Gordon Gallup in what probably started out as a bedroom letdown that turned into his own personal crusade to get his old lady to swallow, Gordon reports that women who come in contact with spooge are generally happier and this is due to the inherent mood-lifting properties of sperm. Something to do with chemical dependency. So, remember to satisfy your partner’s need for seed!

 

 

 

Fact 4: Invisible Ink

Imagine this: you’re an international spy stuck in some exotically down-trodden European city. All of your contacts have either been compromised or killed. Only you and you alone have the secret coordinates to a giant communist “laser” capable of incinerating any major city. You’ve committed its location to memory, but your enemies are closing in fast. With only moments to spare before they raid your safe-house, your “Jason Bourne” training kicks in. You must get the message out without getting caught. You hope it wouldn’t come to this, but you would do anything for your country. You jack off your stress boner and messily and covertly draw out the coordinates on a wall in your own dick slime. Once the dust settles, your forensics team will be crawling all over the place to see what went sideways. They’ll be looking for clues. With their black lights.

You’re not surprised when KGB agents crash through the front door. You can read their puzzlement even behind their thick, wooly ski-masks. They’ve caught you with your pants down. Literally. You grin to yourself. Mission accomplished. Good little soldiers.

I really wish what I just wrote was purely fictional.

 

 

 

 

Fact 5: Can Be Bad for Teeth

Christ almighty. What am I doing with my life. Okay. If you love your blowjobs, you should keep this next tidbit to your damn self. Inside semen are droves of acid-friendly bacteria, which are slightly corrosive to the enamel that surrounds one’s teeth. As it turns out, gums get fucked up too by your sperm/Alien blood to the extent of even causing gingivitis. But realistically, you have to be one helluva, Olympic-class cock smoker to see that kind of wear and tear.

 

 

 

Fact 6: Jism is a Magical Elixir

Almost done. Jeebus. This one is for the ladies. By drinking your man’s dude juice, you’re getting your body used to his foreign genetic material for when you get preggers. The Journal of Reproductive Immunology says, and I shit you not, that frequent exposure to throat yogurt keeps one healthy during pregnancy and wards off Preeclampsia, a medical condition associated with high blood pressure and hypertension.

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