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AL compares Darth Vader to Pam Anderson

The Darkside

by AL Blanco

The title of this does not refer to snuff films or nocturnal porn or porn with Darth Vader fetishes or even porn with really black people in it.  This refers to porn that’s made that is only intended to be viewed by its makers, and what happens when it is unlawfully distributed: sex tapes.  If porn is supposed to be inclusive, sex tapes are exclusive, material that only limited eyes should be seeing.  For many, watching a
tape that was never meant to be watched by others is more thrilling than regular porn, regardless of its deviance.

Everyone makes sex tapes, but most only care about the celebrity sex tapes.  A simple search online revealed a slew of different tapes and the volume is sort of astounding.  I’ve only seen a handful of them, would like to see others, and have no desire at all to watch others.

The Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape is probably the king of them all being the most high profile tape, however it is also noteworthy because of Tommy’s harpoon dick and all the “I love you Pamela, I love you Tommy.”  It might as well be a love tape.  If Pamela’s mammoth pussy didn’t make me want to gag, that mushy shit sure did.  Seeing Pamela’s pussy was like when Darth Vader took off his mask and it was an old white guy inside or when Superman voluntarily got rid of his powers and got his ass beat by some old redneck: crazy surreal.  The woman has plastic surgery on her titties, but not enough respect to her sexual partners to sculpt that mess of a pussy into a finer final product? Tsk, tsk, tsk Pamela, but even at 60 or however old you are you can still give me a call.

The original celebrity sex tape I suppose has to be the Rob Lowe sex tape featuring an underage girl.  What a dick he must have felt like when that came out. At least he thought the girl was old enough, where as R. Kelly’s partner looked clearly adolescent from what I’m told.  I never watched that tape even though I knew many that bought it.  I draw the line way before 13 year old girls are getting pissed on. 

I have only seen clips of the Kim Kardashian / Ray J sex tape, but that is one I’d like to see.  Kim is retarded hot and I heard Ray J beat the shit out of that pussy.  While discussing no talent bitches who shouldn’t be famous, I hope I never, ever come across Paris Hilton’s sex tape.  Anyone who bought that should be shot.  Women are supposed to be hot when you watch them fuck, duh!  Paris Hilton looks like some witch in a play set in the middle ages ready to scald you with shit in a large black pot heated over a campfire.  Don’t get it twisted though, her money makes her more than fuckable.  I saw stills of Chyna’s sex tape.  I was always on the fence on whether I would fuck Chyna until I saw those stills of her acne infested ass and her giant clit, which I am assuming is the result of abusing steroids.  Honestly, there
are men with smaller dicks than that clit, it could double as one of those bags boxers punch quickly.  Her clit needs its own twin sized bed and electrical blanket.  Tonya Harding’s sex tape was almost unwatchable, that bitch is nasty. Anyone who fucked with that should be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

I’m not exactly sure why celebrity sex tapes which feature male celebrities are even bought.  Clearly those who purchased those tapes have gay tendencies, or I suppose they are women.  Cue the Fred Durst, Kid Rock / Scott Stapp, Colin Farrell and Dustin Diamond (Screech) sex tapes.  Let me make an exception, if Screech is fuckin Lisa Turtle on the tape, I’ll watch that shit with Zach Morris and A.C. Slater.  When I heard Verne Troyer made a sex tape I was baffled.  Surely his dick can’t fuck, but apparently it can so more power to him.  Bob Crane of Hogan’s Heroes was even said to have made many sex tapes.

Recently I heard of the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape which features her blowing a guy whose face you never see.  If that doesn’t prove it’s a man’s world, I don’t know what does.  We’re talking putting the most iconic beautiful woman of her time, one who has no present day parallel, to suck a dick on camera. What’s next, the Jackie Kennedy sex tape?

What the title of this really refers to are a couple tapes I really, really wished I never saw.  They are family members’ sex tapes.  Once you see a sex tape with an immediate family those images are forever burned in your brain.  It’s like looking at the sun too long, you will never be the same again.

When I was in middle school, my brother was told by this hot slut that if he made a tape of himself jerking off, she would fuck him.  Well instead of her seeing it, one day my mom, my friend, my brother and me wanted to watch a movie we taped off of TV.  For some reason his solo stroke tape got put on, and we were immediately served up his hard dick covered in Jergens.  Talk about a bad scene.  To add to it, the bitch would have never fucked him, she just wanted to
embarrass him.

My brother always did have poor judgement.  When we were in high school he made a tape of himself having sex with his girlfriend, without her knowledge, and started showing it at party’s like it was the newest Stallone movie.  What was crazy is that the camcorders back in the day were like oversized UPS packages.  He even left it right out completely conspicuous but the dumb broad didn’t think it was on because he covered the red light with electrical tape.  Anyway, later on after he stopped seeing this girl she found out and her meathead boyfriend almost pounded the shit out of him.

The absolute worst was when I accidentally saw a sex tape with my mother in it.  Again, my dumbass brother is responsible for this and I will never, ever forgive his ass.  My brother thought my mom was hiding porn in her closet and one day found a tape that said “Cartoons” on it.  He thought that had to be porn, as why would a grown woman hide a tape of cartoons in her closet?  Anyway, my brother, two of his friends and me huddled around the tube and we put it on.  We see some dude butt naked on a bed, who we don’t realize is my mom’s boyfriend.  After a few more seconds my brother is like, “hey that looks like mom’s room”.  Next my mom comes in butt naked, though we can’t tell it is her, they start to fuck and it clicks: it doesn’t look like mom’s room, it is mom’s room and that’s mom fucking!  Well suffice it to say the four of us made a pact to never speak about that shit again.  For whatever reason my brother even gave it back to our  mom directly and told her we watched it.  Did I mention he is a dumbass? 

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