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Al gives you the SHIT on NJ Exxxotica A.M.

NL-This is part one, out of order because I posted the second part a few days ago. My fault.

On my arrival inside the place, I’m wondering what the hell is gonna go on in here. However, I am a gluttonous mofo, so the only real thing I am thinking of is getting something to eat.

I make my way to the concession they have and I’m thinking, shit I gotta be comped for food right? Whammy! Hell no… My bagel and little juice was four and change. Sheet, I could have stayed in the city if I wanted to be ripped off like that. On top of that they didn’t have any “everything” bagels. If there’s two foods I’m particular about it’s pizza and fuckin bagels. I’ll eat any burger you throw in front of me. Fuck, I would have praised the lord for a fuckin White Castle burger, the most notorious fast food I can think of. But I won’t tolerate any slacking on pizza and bagels, and the lack of the everything bagel had me thinking as good as this might be, I’ll never forgive them for excluding it.

I tell the cashier that I thought the food would be comped and she said, “that’s a nice thought.” I said, “Did you say I had a nice butt? These jeans are a little loose how could you tell?” She gave the kind of giggle that knew I should go back later. I decide I owe it to the assignment to at least see if anything is going on at this point, so I search for the first tidbit to assuage my guilt.

It’s 11:00am and it’s empty. There’s a seminar going on that I catch a part of. It’s run by Sexy Sue’s husband and it’s regarding marketing. He talks about the notion of ubiquity in your online presence and how that is your enemy in the sense that that will stifle your originality. At least that what I took from it and my notes aren’t helping right now. It’s a little boring for me, and I never got a chance to eat my bagel, and not wanting to be rude I dip to the table area to get my grub .. eating half the bagel because it wasn’t up to par, I ask my girl at the concession for a bag so I can save it for later and she says she’ll hold it for me behind the counter. Damn, I gotta come back I think, she’s a cutie.

It’s worth noting that I visited 95% of all the booths, excluding the medical/health oriented ones (e.g. there was a teeth whitening one, some other surgery type shit). I had no interest in that shit. Out of that I’ve chosen some I felt were worth noting in my, humble opinion, for the fact that I had genuine interest in their products, the people running it were interesting, or I just fuckin felt like it. Actually I’m not humble about my opinion, but I thought it was the right thing to say.

I go to the 4 Erotica stores booth first which sells pyrex toys and leather shit, which I find out are all American made. Fuckin A I think, those Chinese dildos will fuck a bitch up! Honestly, this booth didn’t really do anything for me, but Cheryl was real nice so sometimes that’s enough for me.

The next thing of note I go to is a booth entitled “Masters of Pain.” This is that hardcore type of shit, it was some crazy ass shit. All the videos have bitches tied up and shit, dudes in black leather and all that. Definitely not my bag of tricks, but hey they gotta be doin somethin right.
After that I see a fetching Southern gal named Alicia at ” Dan Pepper Law Group LLC.” She’s got the down south charm and ways about her you don’t see for shit out here, a real sweetheart. She tells me, “Dan keeps people legit.” Word up… Next time I’m drunk and passed out in the wrong place, Dan’s the one to call!

Next is “Dancing Candy” a Jersey gentleman’s club guide. This was the first booth that really sold it to me. The guy running it R.J. was a cool dude, a local guy and I connect with that. Their publication lets you know all about what is going on in the NJ strip club scene, where to go and all that, with other various things tucked in like the football preview I caught in the back when I was reading it later.

It’s about 12:00 and I declare a cigarette break. While outside I chat up with a guy named Miguel. He’s a dedicated dude, a regular attendee, but he didn’t know shit started to the public at 1:00. There weren’t other fans there at that point outside, so I could tell he was into to this shit, and I know from talking to him he’d love to get involved in the industry somehow. I let him know I wish him the best, and if I see him later we can chill.

At 12:10 I hit the StripperForMe.Com booth and an individual who would rather not be identified gives me the scoop. I gotta say, this was a common occurrence. People completely into what was going on in their booth, but at the same time when they knew I would write about this they didn’t want themselves as individuals included. Whatever works for you, shit I don’t want you coming to my day job and telling everyone my business either. He got mad into their concept, and I have to say it was some far out shit. It was a computerized system for strip clubs, strippers and attendees to facilitate the whole process for men to go to the place and for the clubs to attract clientele. For example, a club would have this system and at a touch of a button you as a patron could know what girls were working and where they were in the club while you are at the club. It was rather intricate, and the whole touch screen system had me bugged out like damn, this is the strip club experience in 2008?

At around 12:30 I pick up a book called “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” which I find is a modern interpretation of the bible. 12:45 and I’m at Gold Star productions getting wood from my pics with Tina Tink and Jacky Joy, a couple of nice ladies. Near them was “Real Passion Productions” and I have a great conversation with Woody West. Their concept is to bring it back to the 70’s, kitschy story-lines like the pizza man, and then straight fuckin. The girls are all natural and the goal is create a “real” vibe, hence the title. I tell him I’m really feelin his idea, because I don’t like to see contrived porno. I’m not into story-lines at all when I watch though, but I don’t hold that shit against him. To be honest, I have never in my life, not once, actually watched a whole scene in a porno that was not fuckin. I can’t bring myself to do it, I just don’t give a shit. The funniest shit was when they changed booths later on and were next to the Masters of Pain. We’re talkin day and night type shit.

At 1:00 I meet Dr. Joe, creator of the Blowguard, some shit a chick puts in her mouth while she’s suckin dick to enhance the experience for us fellas. If anyone – well just don’t have a dick and we can talk – is willing to let me find out if that works, let me know… I’ll pop a couple E pills and let you go to work all you want.

Next up is Derek, the man in charge, is a good salesman and seemingly smooth dude who tells me their site is like the American Idol of porn. Users go and vote on the best chicks and then they graduate to DVD’s. They also have a vibe to have regular girls on and I dig that. Girls you’d find on the train he says… There’s no shortage of ideas out here I’m thinkin…

At 1:15 I wouldn’t say I encountered my first actual “bitch”, but it was a well known star that I didn’t seem to click with. She looked kind of washed up, however I’m focusing on the positive. I noticed throughout the convention for the most part these girls actually looked better in person, however there was a select very small number that when I saw them I thought they looked worse, cracked the fuck out and/or washed the fuck up. Those were not anything to sweat at all to any dude with just a little game, money and/or looks. I’ve pulled a number of ladies in my day that blow them out of the park, girls that should have taken their fuckin places.

Next was Cezar Capone’s booth. Another cool guy. I didn’t know who he was so I’m asking him questions about his booth and what they do and what not. He’s got a bangin broad, Morgan Dayne with him. So after a few questions I said, what directors do you have and he said amongst other names, Cezar Capone. Im like okay, I see, what was your name again? Cezar Capone he said. Whoops, my bad… They have a bed at their booth, which had a large area and he snaps a fuckin money shot of me with Morgan that I’ll probably view a few times. Gotta say it was revealing that of the only pics taken by an actual professional with my bullshit camera, it came out a million times better than basically every other pic.

At 1:40 I retreat to the outside for the ending of the first quarter and have a cigarette. It is still very empty at this point and many booths are vacant. I suppose those I have mentioned already get points with me because they were there when others decided to sleep in. Obvious dedication goes a long way with me….

In the beginning of the second quarter we’ll visit the real Sopranos Bada Bing club, Slammin and a lovely girl near and dear to my heart, Diamond Jackson.

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