The New York Exxxotica Expo Pre Game Show: What The Fuck Am I Doing In Jersey???
by Al Blanco
I catch a train that leaves at 9:15 am, and finally get a chance to jot some stuff down. Im kind of spent already at this point because of all the running around I had to do beforehand. I had to get my pass printed, buy my cameras (yes the return of the funsavers) make it to Penn Station, get my ticket and make it on the train. For those interested, in NYC taking the “train” can refer to a multitude of things. It can refer to the NYC subway, the NY/NJ Path trains (underground trains to Jersey), the Long Island Railroad, the MetroNorth Railroad (to upstate), Amtrack train service (to the rest of the country) and what I had to mess with, the NJ Transit train service. Generally though the train refers to the NYC subway.
So my subway train gets me off at 42nd St and 8th Ave, about 8 blocks north of Penn Station, which also happens to be Madison Square Garden for those that don’t know. Yes, the greatest arena on Earth is on top of a train station, we do it big out here. It is about as humid as it can be and not rain; New York heat and humidity is not a joke at all. I ran all the way down non stop in fuckin jeans. By the time I get to the ticket counter I am pouring sweat. I looked like I just sniffed an 8 ball, banged out 3 broads and hit the game winning shot at the Garden moments earlier.
I get my ticket and realize they haven’t announced the track yet, so I have time. What they do at Penn is announce the tracks about 2 minutes before the trains leave so people don’t wait on the platform and fuck people up trying to exit the arriving trains. People just stand around all jittery and shit and as soon as the track is announced a mass exodus breaks out for the track. The shit is like the Jews leaving Egypt.
I haven’t riden a train at Penn Station in years and they redid the place, it looks very nice. Back in the days it was shitty and it doubled as a motel for mad bums. Additionally, NJ Transit got new trains, and they look like some shit you would find in Europe. I find a plethora of empty seats, however I spot one with a cute chick and contemplate sitting next to her. That’s a lot of pressure I think, I got be smooth as hell with my delivey if I’m gonna grab a seat next this chick when there are empty seats everywhere. Fuck it, Im gonna fuck it up and look stupid. I sit behind her in case she turns around, and i’ll give her the eye…
As the train leaves I think, “how the fuck is this the New York Exxxotica Expo when I am going 25 miles from Manhattan into Jersey?” Now it was suppossed to be closer, in Secaucus (if you wanna be real Jersey you’ll pronounce that SEEcaucus) as opposed to Edison, but even that is still fuckin Jersey. You are going to find that sometimes I dis Jersey, but I can do that and its cool because it’s where I grew up. The crazy thing is, when I have gone across the country they think I am originally from NY, and I tell them I grew up in Jersey and they say, “oh, same thing.” No it is not the same thing, it is an entirely different state dipshit. Do you go to Mardi Gras in Texas? There are many similiarities, but no it’s not the same.
New York uses New Jersey like a little booty call cum slut. You would think there is a place somewhere in the huge state of New York where the New York Giants and Jets play, but no they play at the Meadowlands, which is in New fuckin Jersey. New Yorkers only go to Jersey for football games, to go to the shore and to gamble in Atlantic City. You can’t get a native New Yorker to hang out in Jersey other than that if his life depended on it. As a native of Jersey and a person who has spent his entire adult life in NYC, I can say the common thread is a low propensity for bullshit, and people will let you know where you stand.
It’s 9:35 and the train has arrived in Newark. What is retarded about this is that it has the same name as the station I left in New York and I never understood why. I left New York Pennsylvania Station and arrived in Newark Pennsylvania station, pretty fuckin stupid no? Another tip if you come through and want to fit in is that the city of Newark is not pronounced like a ship Noah was on with a bunch of fuckin animals. It is pronounced so it almost rhymes with pork, one vowel, not New Ark. Newark is basically New York City if it only consisted of the Bronx and Brooklyn. It’s pretty gritty out there. I once banged a girl out from the Prince St. projects in Newark and I’ll tell you first hand from that experience and others Newark is not the place you want to be. It has all of New York’s grit, none of it’s glamour and glitz.
I begin feeling a mix of anticipation and anxiety about going to the convention, so to take my mind off of it I retreat to one of my favorite past times, reading the NY Daily News.
At 10:15 I arrive at the Edison train station, though the stop before in Metuchen I find out was actually closer. We walk everywhere in NY so I was planning on walking and asking someone what direction to go. Good thing I didn’t try, that shit was like 8 miles away. I tell the cab where I’m going and we’re off. He asked me what the hours are to the event, and I know he knows whats going on. I let him know when its running and chat him up a little bit. I ask him if he has an interest in adult movies and whatnot, and he says not as much as he used to. I think he’s bullshitting, because he’s got those pervo framed glasses on, you know the kinds I’m talking about. Some Jeffrey Dahmer type of shits. He tells me he knows which hotel Ron Jeremy is staying at because one of his co-workers picked him up for the event the day before. I’m thinking, I could give a fuck where Ron is staying, tell me where the bitches are staying!
We arrive at 10:30 at the Expo center and I’m looking to sign in. Registration was very slow and while I’m waiting I’m told performers won’t be arriving untill 1:00. Fuck I think, I’m ready to go back to sleep. Little did I know that I wouldn’t leave for another 12 hours…
Coming Soon – First Quarter Action From The New Jersey, ahem New York Exxxotica Expo.