by AL Blanco
Not too long ago I gave my take on cum play in porn, a practice I feel has
no erotic value and which lowers the quality of the final product. After giving
it a modi cum of thought, I realized there must be a large number of fans
who like seeing this and a number of bitches – ahem sorry – women (I’m trying to be more sensitive) who might enjoy playing with and tasting cum. In light of
this I have devised what I call three cumcocktions, for those sluts –
sorry women – who enjoy the taste, feel and sight of jizz. This is a way for
these special ladies to have fun with their cum and taste it too, kind of like
that play oven they give little girls.
1. Cum and Coke – A very simple take on my favorite beverage, the Rum and Coke.
A shot of jism for every three ounces of Coke. Garnish with a lime to create a
2. The Los Angeles Iced Tea – This is basically straight up jizz in a tall
rocks glass garnished with an orange slice. You’ll need a large amount of jizz
for this so you may want to consult a horse breeder… or Peter North.
3. Cumgnac X.O. – This the L.A. Iced Tea, but in a snifter and it must have
Eskimo cum. Only for very high class cum drinkers with sophisticated palates.
Is is to be swirled in the snifter before being consumed. Goes great with a
cigar or a big dick.
Now that that is out of the way, I gotta add some more things to the list I
would like to see banned from porn. Here is a scenario that irks me: a bitch
(fuck it I’m not trying anymore) is sucking dick for ten minutes and the second
she gets fucked it’s like she won the lottery. Not even one full pump has gone
by and this chick is screaming like the house is on fire. Does the direct
deposit for the scene hit their bank account the second they take the dick? Is it because they just want the shit to be over already? Please, do not insult me with your pseudo enthusiasm.
Something I find particularly amusing is the need for some of these guys to fuck these girls at light speed. Sometimes I feel like the fast forward is still on. This is suppossed to be erotica, not comedy. I could keep that up for about ten seconds before I had a heart attack. Not to inject race, but these guys are usually white. White guys fuck like time is running out in sudden death
Brothas hit em with the gangsta stroke, the I ain’t got shit else to
do today stroke, the dramatic my dick is too heavy stroke. I would say what
Latins or Asians do, but I’m not sure since I hardly see any Latin or Asian male
performers. Also, since money shots are here to stay, we gotta see something
good. I can’t see you fuck a bitch for 20 minutes and then have a lackluster,
lackadaisacal, low pressure bust. I need a bust the will injure a bitch, a bust
that will splatter in all directions not barely make it out. A vapid bust is
like when the opening act is better than the headliner at a concert, you feel
ripped off, like damnit they should have practiced more.
Another thing I could do without is the prevelance of tattoos in porn. Note to
bitches: tattoos do nothing to enhance your appearance, at best it is a lateral
move. You get surgery to enhance your appearance in porn, but degrade it by
getting tattoos? I never saw a woman and thought she was a 9 and after seeing her tattoos she became a 10. At worst, tattoos make you look trashy, especially in certain areas like the tits, ass and stomach. I have no idea what bitches are thinking getting full sleeve tattoos, like they think they are Tommy Lee. Maybe tattoos magically appear after you take a hundred dicks because there are girls that have none when they start and over the course of time are covered with them. If the tattoos symbolize your rebellion against society, you should realize taking multiple dicks at once makes you enough of a Che Guevera.
To me a woman with a beautiful body getting covered in tattoos is like taking a Van Gogh and drawing caricatures all over it. A beautiful body is art itself, why
fuck it up; leave well enough alone. To my black and Latin bitches, those
tattoos that have cursive writing on them gotta bounce. Nothing says ghetto
bitch more than Jerome or Tito’s name in cursive on your arm. For God’s sake,
can we please ban the tramp stamp on the lower back while we’re at it!
Tattoos are one of the reasons I don’t dig alt-porn. Alt-porn is basically
regular porn except: the bitches have way, way too many tattoos, they all have
small tits and they are all white brunettes. I don’t want to stroke to a
Marilyn Manson groupie. I think alt-porn is innovative, but so is riding a
motorcycle in the snow. At least many girls in alt-porn are natural, I will
give them that. Which leads me to my next point…
The short answer is that I appreciate breast implants. I think 9 out of 10 women could enhance their appearance with breast augmentations done the proper way, however the ideal woman doesn’t have any. The perfect 10, the elusive dime piece, is completely natural. It’s like the Olympics, you gotta be 100% clean to be in the running. It’s a shame many tits get fucked with that should never have been fucked with.
It is also ironic that the best natural titties make the best enhanced titties, but at the end of the day breast implants are kind of like the insurance bet in Blackjack. The insurance bet looks like a good idea, but a real player knows it’s a sucker’s bet. So it goes with breast implants when the tits are already adequate. Many times they are very visually pleasing, however in reality they feel like kickballs and who the fuck wants to feel on a pair of kickballs? The hardest ones can make a diamond crumble. I would say that if a woman must have breast implants, she should definitly make sure her doctor knows what he/she is doing. Those square Chasey Lain type tits are not where it’s at and neither are scars. Make sure the doc keeps your nipples symmetrical. Last but not least, bigger is not necessarily better.
Next time I will share the last correspondence I received from Joe the Plumber regarding my $25.00 offer for him to appear in my movie, it is rather