By AL BLANKO
One of the coolest days in my life was when I learned I could use a Magnum condom. Up untill then I always thought Magnum condoms were for donkey dicked freaks.
It was a long night of partying with one of my friends. This friend and I have have something in common in that we love to get it in, and when we do all bets are off, anything can go down. So he says in his almost comical stereotypical New York accent, “let’s call a whore.” I tell him I’m low on cash, so he’s welcome to, but it’s all on him. “Bet,” he says. He lets me know if I want in, I’m welcome.
Now at that point I had never fucked a girl with another dude before, in fact I had decided it was something I’m not into. No nut would be worth the awkwardness of bangin a girl out with another dude, who is also someone I’m good friends with. It’s not like some swinging shit where you smash a broad with some random dude and that’s that. What if I happened to have performance anxiety? Now what if that happened while realizing my bud is capable of being a porno stunt dick in his spare time? That sure ain’t gonna get it poppin for me after that. Worse yet, if that happened, what kind of conversation goes down? “Don’t worry bro, we all get that shriveled, limp dick shit every now and then… It never happened to me though, that’s gotta suck.” What if she sucks our dicks at the same time and sword fights with them? That shit would be mad gay. Is it faux pas to have casual conversation? “Yeah dude, fuck that bitch. Nice fuckin stroke my man..” If he busts first, is he just gonna curl up in the corner and watch? What if he fuckin strokes his dick while I’m fuckin this chick? That would fuck my rhythm up and everything.
So at the time I tell him I’m not into it, and he said that was cool we can take turns. I was definitely relieved. My friend, through his occupation, knows a pimp who he’s in tight with who connected us with one of his upper eshelon hos. My friend hooks up everything with her on the phone, and right at the end lets her know we need some shit from the store. This is when she gets annoyed and the conversation ends abrubtly. We thought she wasn’t gonna come through because of it, but the pimp called back and told us she complained regarding the request but he had to set her straight. He told her whatever we wanted she does that shit, and that includes getting us some blunts and beers. Now any man with some cash can fuck this chick. Making that bitch run errands for us: priceless.
While we wait, we flip a coin to see who would go first, with me being the victor. When she arrived we realized she was more than agreeable. This woman had a body made to fuck. Beautiful dark skin, fat ass, nice tits, skinny waist and a smile that made me wanna bust right there. I’m poppin wood right now just recalling this. Not to mention these pros sure know how to dress. Skin tight white dress; clothed, but with nothing left to the imagination.
We greet her with the ironic hug you greet a stranger you know you are about to fuck silly. She seems like a sweet girl. We touch on the misunderstanding on the phone earlier and she says she didn’t know my friend was in good with the pimp.. “It’s all good” my man says. We all get a little more comfortable and she says how much she’d love to be in the middle of a sandwhich with us. Fuck I think, now if I don’t do it I’ll fuck up the vibe and look like a pussy too. I mutter something about how were were planning to take turns and then said fuck it, why not.
So she reached into her ho bag, ahem I mean purse of hooker supplies, and busts out two gold foil wrapper condoms. Hmmm what kind are these I think? Magun P.I.’s, the major leagues. Fuck I think, this shit is gonna slide off my dick, I’ll never fit one of these. What kind of dumbass will I look like trying to fuck with this shit looking like my dick is in a potato sack race? The wood was not a problem however, so I held my breath as I opened it and gave it a shot. When that shit fit fine, though not completely the length, but with no worry of slipping off, I felt inside how Michael Phelps reacts to getting gold medals. I was like, “AL, you are a fuckin playboy. Hugh Hefner needs to holla at you to see how you get down, you Magnum on your dick motherfucker”
So she starts suckin my man off, and puts that beautiful ass out for me. She’s goin to work on him, and I’m goin to work on her like fuckin ancient Rome Caligula type shit. 30 seconds in, my man blows his wad. Fuck it, he’s gotta get the breather in between rounds, so he just chills out and watched me fuck this chick, thankfully not stroking. Now, because I’m wasted and wearing a rubber, I’m going in and out of hardness, and I’m having to really fuck this bitch at light speed and hard as hell just to maintain my erection, though I have the “Oh” face in full effect. Now, being the sweet girl she is, she senses I am having some difficulty, and like the champ she is takes it out of her snatch and puts it right in her ass. I don’t usually get down like that for personal reasons, but it hit the spot. Still everything wasn’t on the up and up (pun intended), so she asks my friend to leave so we can get some time alone realizing it was probably that. My friend agrees, leaves and it was a wrap after that. I hit it right, got my nut, then called my friend and said it was all him from there on out. He does his thing, and before you know it she’s all finished and out the door.
We’re hangin out aftewards smokin some weed, and it actually didn’t feel awkward at all. Then my man is like, “AL, yo you were really fuckin the shit out of that bitch, that’s whats up” and give me a five. I told him good lookin out and tried to be humble, but inside I was like “that’s what I do, I fuck the shit out of bitches. I’m a fuckin machine bro. I’m like a Johnny 5 or Terminator that was made just to fuck. You didn’t know?”
I’d like to end this Aesop style and say that even though the evening had it’s share of anxiety, a common proverb applied.
“All’s well that ends well”
And there’s no better ending than one that involves busting a nut.