NL- I really admire Angela for writing this essay, and putting it all out there, heart on her sleeve style.
Fucked up Christians and Conditional Love
I dont understand this love. When I was a youth pastor, yes shocking, my pastor told me not to hang out with Leah and that I needed to give her an ultimatum because she was not “living for God”. Tonight, almost exactly a year after being -outed- to my parents and disowned, they stand by their morals of not ascoatiating with me. Quoting scripture “What does Light have in common with Darkness.” My mom was put in the hospital this week. They made an emergency trip back from Mexico… and no one told me. What if she died?
Keep in mind, I lead a sex filled 3 year double life that afforded me to see my niece and nephew born. Every holiday and every month my parents returned to the United States from being on the mission field, I was at their American house cooking, enjoying the fire pit and sitting in the the hot tub in the cool of the Colorado evenings.
A little background. My father was head of my Christian denomination from 93-97′. I was raised in the best privates schools and was a force starting my own non-profit in high school for the American Cancer Society. I also traveled and performed for Prom Week (abstinence) while I was a high school student. Leah’s mom and my mom attended the same Bible study where she wanted Leah to hang out with me to be a good influence. Leah was a book worm who now works for the FEDs and is my everything. We talk everyday while she is on contracts all over the US. We have been attached through every season since I was 12.
As a youth pastor, I gave the the ultimatum to Leah over dinner saying she needed to get right with God if she wanted to hang out with me. We parted ways after that night for two years… till I crossed over to the dark side.
When I was ready to marry and settle down at 25, we knew I had an addictive personality and my addiction was sex. I researched counselors in Denver. I ran through Google every word possible for those with sex addiction counseling. I laughed in my head knowing I am a bi and would be wanting to jump the bones of the girls as they would go into gross detail of their addictions… I would want to be there to “help”… wink!
But with all my hunting in a city of a million and pages of Christian organizations there was ONLY ONE to help those with sex addiction. When I went, they asked me to step away from Eric and all of life for a year to make the addiction go away. I cried, not wanting to give up Eric. I remember so clearly telling the woman, “SO these are pages of numbers of churches that preach to the choir but want to have nothing with those with addictions. So there is no help for me? Your God does not want normal people?”
The distance I feel tonight from the “loving Christian” world I was raised in and the God that was taught to me seems so great.
I hear of an unconditional love.
Where the hell is it? I want to believe that the teachings I was raised with are bullshit and a God that loves us no matter what exists. I want a lighting bolt to jolt my parents out of this. I missed my brother graduating with his Masters, my dad’s 60th, my niece walking, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Father Day… I missed it all this year in porn.
Yes, whaa whaa me. But back to it’s my choice. I chose to do this. It was so much cooler when my family did not know. Who is the God that disowns with conditional love? I want to kick his ass!
Seriously… clean up and be perfect before God loves you? Fuck that! I think I am going to fuck 12 guys tonight! Bring it on.