Angry Yankee Fans Urge A-Roid: Get Back on Steroids
by David Henry Sterry
from the Huffington Post
Posted: May 30, 2009 04:27 PM
Rabid NY Yankees fans, furious that Alex Rodriguez is batting a miniscule .177, are uniting to urge the beleaguered ballplayer to get back on steroids. “Let’s face it,” said Vinny “3 Balls” Boombatz from Bay Ridge, “all those warning track outs, those would be home runs if A-Rod would just do the right thing and get huge and juiced again.”
Contrary to reports in the media, fans are apparently more interested in winning than they are in having their heroes drug-free.
“It ain’t fair,” said Rocco “Momo” Como from the Bronx, “the guy is making two-hundred squazillion smackeroos or whatever, and he doesn’t care enough to do everything he can do to help the Bronx Bomber win? We don’t want the .177 hitter with clean p*ss. We want the .320 hitter jacked up on female hormones or X-man chromostones or whatever.”
Although Rodriguez was never suspended or punished by Major League Baseball (despite the fact that they knew he was using performance enhancers), he was outted by a writer for Sports Illustrated. Having lied on national television about his drug use, he came clean about being unclean just before the season started, and has been anemic offensively ever since. Coincidence? Yankee fans don’t know or care. They just want to win.
“Look, when A-Rod sucks I hate his f-ing guts,” said Carmine “the Mongoose” Saragusa, “When he’s great I love him more than my wife and my girlfriend put together. Please, A-Rod, get back on the ‘roids. Don’t make me come and stick a needle in your *ss myself, that would not be in your best interest, trust me!”
And the people have spoken.