The ex-porn star writes on MySpace Aug. 23: “So my vacation home was amazing….I didn’t want to come back to California!!! My family is so incredible, and so spiritually strong! It lifted my spirits to fellowship…I needed to be reminded. I struggle so much with the things of this world. Yes, God is my all. I am nothing apart from him, and I want nothing more than to be an empty vessel for him to fill!! But I am so weak sometimes!! Why can I not follow my hearts one desire and live a pure and holy life?? There is nothing I desire more.”
“I have no Greater Joy than to hear that my children walk in Truth.”
That is how my Dad ends every letter to his children. I was blessed with the greatest parents who set the greatest example that any child could ever ask for.
I remember the night I asked Jesus into my heart. I was less than 3 years old, and had a clear understanding of what it meant to be saved. As I knelt there by my bed asking the Lord into my heart, my mother passed my door. She thought I was playing when I was supposed to be in bed sleeping and came into the room and rewarded me with a spanking. When I told her what I was doing, she felt horrible! Her biggest concern was “did I finish?”Of course. I think she was quite proud when at the age 5, I prompted a furious call from a neighboring mother because I had informed her young daughter that she was going to hell. Much to the womans disappointment, my mother backed me up!!
Then, when I was 7 years old, I had a dream.
“I was sitting on the top bunk of my brothers bed studying with my oldest brother Shawn. Suddenly, the window across from me transformed into a door made of dark metal. As I stared in wonder, the door opened and a demonic being entered the room. It resembled a woman, but seemed neither male nor female, and was holding some sort of a blade resembling a small sickle. My brother sat there oblivious to what was happening. And then suddenly it pulled me from the bed by my hair, and it seemed it was trying to scalp me. I cried out to Shawn for help, but he just looked around the room confused. “Where are you Keri, I can’t see you!”. And then I was dragged through the door and all was black.
It was as if we stood at the top of a winding stone staircase that went up and down as far as the eye could see.and yet there was no top or bottom, it just seemed to go in both directions forever. And while I was aware of this, I was also aware that it was so dark that I could see nothing. My eyes saw nothing, but I knew. Then suddenly we were on what appeared to be a small landing made of black stone.The sound of screams overwhelmed me with fear. As I looked around I saw that it was a lake that surrounded us and it was on fire. The lake stretched as far and deep as my eyes could perceive.The smell was overwhelming me.It was like sulfur and burning flesh but so strong that it was as if it made up the air I breathedI wanted to throw up, but I seemed frozen in time. As I became aware of my surroundings, I realized that it was not a lake of water, but one of blood. And in the blood as deep and as far as my eyes could see, there were people.And they screamed in torment, burning, bleeding.drowning eternally in their own blood..I was terrified! And then they were reaching for me, grabbing my feet dragging me into this lake of eternal fire. In despair, I screamed out “Jesus! Save Me!!!” .And suddenly I was gone. I stood in the purest white light that I have ever beheld. I was surrounded by such peace and love. At that moment, I understood how real my salvation was..and I woke up.”
I have never forgotten that dream. Nothing has ever felt as real as that.I still wonder if it was a dream, or a vision from God. Regardless, it changed my heart. I no longer thought of my salvation as just something that I did just so I could spend eternity in Heaven, but as something I did to NOT spend eternity in Hell. I chose Christ, and I was spared.
I would love to say that I stayed strong and went on to a life of ministry. But it was not the case. I began dating at 15, and a few years later I lost my purity. I began drinking and going to clubs regularly at 18, and when I was 19, I became involved in an impure relationship with a married couple. At the age of 20, I was broken. I woke up on the side of the road one morning after a night at the clubs, and realized I had hit rock bottom. As I drove home, I prayed to God and begged him for guidance. I prayed that he would send me a sign that he was still with me. I prayed he would provide a way.Less than an hour later I got a call from my best friend in ..Florida. I hadn’t seen her in almost 3 years. She told me that a friend of hers was sending me a plane ticket so I could come to Florida. He didn’t even know me! I took it as a sign, and went for 2 weeks. Those were 2 of the best weeks of my life! I was surrounded by Christians, going to church on Sundays, young adult group on Tuesdays, and spending every other minute of my time with young adults from the Church! And I met Jeremy. Jeremy was the man who had bought me the ticket.
When the 2 weeks was almost through, everyone was so sorry to see me go. I had become a part of the family! And so, I decided to pack up my life and move to Jacksonville, FL. I flew home, quit my jobs, and 2 weeks later Jeremy flew up to Rhode Island to drive back to Florida with me. 24 hours in a car, and you really get to know someone! I knew within days that this was the man that God had chosen to be my husband. We became inseparable, but never dated. Then in December of ’98, he met another woman. After their second date he was driving home and started thinking about a future with this woman. He realized that if he pursued her, that our relationship would change. He suddenly realized that he was in Love with me! He got home, called my Dad and asked for my hand in Marriage. He proposed that New Years Eve. I was shocked, but overjoyed! We were married 6 months later. It was the most amazing spirit filled wedding I have ever seen..Everything was perfect.
And then, everything started to change.
After about a year of marriage, my husband shared with me his struggle with sexual issues. He frequently visited swinger websites, and was intrigued by the lifestyle. In an effort to put him at ease, I shared my experiences with him. He was surprised and intrigued. He wanted to go visit the couple from my teens, and foolishly I agreed. While visiting, we went to a strip club where I did amateur night. I won $500 and opened the door to the future. We were months late on our mortgage, and the bills kept piling up. Jeremy felt like the only way to get out of this hole was for me to take a job at a strip club 2 hours away from our home, just a couple nights a week. A couple turned into 4 or 5, and soon he had to quit his job just to have the time to drive me and pick me up. Then one day while searching the internet for opportunities, he came across an ad for performers in an adult film in Tampa, Florida. He said it was our only hope. In the eyes of God and my family, and anyone else, he said took responsibility as my husband and the leader of our family for my actions. I allowed him to make the decision, consumed half a bottle of Captain Morgan, and performed in my first Adult Film. I cried my heart out. I wanted to die, but I tried to keep it inside to spare Jeremy the guilt. Unfortunately, one just wasn’t enough. And so began my career as an Adult Film Star.
In an effort to make money without me having to be in front of the camera, we planned a trip to New York where I had plans to dance at a high class Strip club. My first night there I was slipped a date rape drug and was raped by an unknown number of employees of the strip club. After being missing for 12 hours, I miraculously contacted the people we were staying with and was taken to the hospital for tests. Unfortunately my test results and police records were later mysteriously lost. There was nothing I could do. Fortunately for me, I don’t remember much so I wasn’t emotionally scarred by the rape. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,. If it wasn’t me, it would have probably been another new girl. Jeremy did not take it as well. He felt so much guilt for putting me in that position. The hardest part for me was that they stole my wedding rings and my grandmother’s jewelry. I have never felt so violated, and it hardened me. I went numb. I could not be Keri and the person I was playing, so I put Keri deep inside so I wouldn’t feel the guilt and shame. I justified my actions by believing that Jeremy was assuming responsibility and that I was doing it for my marriage. But deep down I knew I was just fooling myself. And yet I kept on going. And it only got worse. I remember making $36,000 in 3 weeks and then not being able to pay our rent a week later. I don’t know where it went. And it seemed like it was never enough. The more I made, the more our expenses went up. In order to keep going, I would ask Jeremy to give me a date of when it would all end. He kept setting timelines and and end points, and then the times would come and go. I started in the business in the summer of 2000. I was 24 years old. The final deadline for our retirement from the adult business was that I would be have a baby before Jeremy turned 30. He turned 30 July of 2004. I was not pregnant. Quite the contrary actually.
About 11 months before his 30th birthday, Jeremy told me that he felt I didn’t meet his physical needs and felt that in order to meet those needs that he should have a girlfriend. I was shocked. And yet a part of me wanted to test him to see just how far he was willing to take it. I told him that he didn’t meet my emotional needs and he suggested that I get a boyfriend. I was flooredAnd yet I played along just to see what he would do. And so he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend. And after about a month I tried to leave him for the boyfriend. Even though in my heart I knew it wasn’t right, but I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to lose everything so that he could make the right decision once and for all. And he begged me to come back.He wanted to go back to Florida and start over. He wanted to leave it all behind and make things right again. He had bought 2 plane tickets to Florida and was driving to the airport as we talked. I told him if he took me home to get our dogs I would leave with him that day. And so, we drove home. I called my boyfriend and broke it off while Jeremy was inside packing. I broke his heart, and because of that, I felt that I had broke mine. But I knew I was doing the right thing. When I told Jeremy, he couldn’t believe I had done it over the phone. He had planned on leaving his girlfriend a note because he couldn’t bear to tell her face to face. His girlfriend lived with us. She was downstairs while all this was going on. I was shocked. In total disbelief, I told him I couldn’t go with him unless he told her face to face. He begged me not to make him. And so he tried, and when she broke down in tears, he begged me not to make him choose. “I Love You both” he told me..I told him someday I would choose for him. I don’t think he believed I would ever follow through.
And so the knife was driven deeper into my heart. And I became hardened and cold. But I stayed. 3 arrests (Jeremy’s) and about $40,000 later I was still there. The further we were from God, the worse things became It was the most painful and humiliating year of my life. Jeremy used to always say “Let me be wrong”He didn’t want me to tell him when he screwed up, he wanted to figure it out on his own and learn from his own mistakes. Yeah.I wanted him to fail. I didn’t force him to do what I knew was right because I wanted him to fail by his own rules. I realize now that I was wrong for that. I hold a partial responsibility for his mistakes. I was bitter and didn’t lift him up when he was too weak to stand on his own. And I knew what I was doing. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want to have to beg for him to choose me. I couldn’t be the rock for both of us. I had been the rock for so long, and I was so beat down.
The final straw came in March of 2004. Everything that could have possible gone wrong had and more, and I was done. On June 1st of 2004 while Jeremy was out of town, I moved into my own apartment. I didn’t tell him where I lived for almost 2 years, although I continued to struggle with my decision. I knew it was what was best for ME, but spiritually I could not let go. I had to have peace from God before I could really let go. I had much prayer from the women in my church, but dont know if I ever truely felt that peace….But I finally filed for divorce in March of 2006. Sadly and quite unplanned, he was served the papers on our 7 year anniversary. As for me, I had become involved with a man who was also a performer in the adult industry. From March of 2004 till March 1, 2005 I worked only with him. And yet we struggled continually due to the fact that I remained married and that he did not share my faith.
Finally on March 1, 2005 it all fell apart. I was trying to live 2 lives hoping they would each somehow work themselves out, and it just wasn’t working anymore. My boyfriend (Ron) and I had a huge falling out due to a something from my past that I hadn’t been completely honest about. My marriage had failed, my relationship was failing, and I had had all that I could take. I cancelled all the work that I had scheduled and quit the adult industry. That work would have meant about $15,000, but it just wasn’t worth it.
And so, with $200 in the bank and rent due, I started over. Ron and I reconciled and he encouraged and supported me both emotionally and financially as I struggled to get back on my feet. I don’t know how I would have survived without him.
And so began my new life. In May of 2003 I had begun competing in Figure competitions as a way of distracting myself from my life and an excuse to be in the best shape possible. In August of 2004, I took second place in the NPC National Figure Championships and achieved professional status. It was a great personal goal achieved as well as a door to a whole new career. I became certified as a personal trainer, and used my experience where it seemed best fit. My training combined with my Massage Therapy (I was licensed back in 1997 but took a break while in the business) became my life. In February of 2006 I opened my own Massage Practice while continuing to work as a Personal Trainer at a private gym. I continue to strive to further myself both personally and professionally. I have been so blessed.
My greatest blessings have been my Church, my family, and my personal relationships.
I began going to The Church at Rocky Peak in October of 2004, but wasn’t really able to feel the real Peace of God until I was out of the business. In the days following my retirement I met Lynn and Neil Johnson who became my spiritual mentors and to whom I am still held accountable to this day and will probably be as long as I live. They are and always will be a blessing in my life. Through their prayers and the prayers of many others I was able to come clean with my entire family. The heaviest burden that I could ever imagine bearing was lifted from my soul, and I felt I had been reborn yet again! What great Love to forgive so much! They never judged me in any way, they just opened their arms and loved me. I was the prodigal son come home, and it was a celebration. Instead of tearing our family apart, it bonded us closer than ever. I am now held accountable by those whom I love most, and will do whatever I can to never disappoint them again. But most importantly, I am accountable to my heavenly Father, who is above all else. Without his Love and faithfulness, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I just pray that I have the strength to persevere and allow his will to be done in my life without allowing my own selfish will to get in the way.
And so my life goes on. My life is a continual work in progress, but it IS in progress!!! I just pray that God gives me the strength to allow his perfect will to be done, and the discernment to recognize it. Sometimes his perfect will is very different from my own!
But without change there is no room for growth. If it means sacrificing to allow God’s perfect plan to play out, then I pray for the strength to endure.
And so begins another day in this perfect life.
In His Grace,
Keri Marie Humble