What I hate even more than bloody Christmas itself are the goddamned carols. These shit-tastic songs are trite to the nth degree and just make me fucking nauseous with their overly chipper and jingoistic faux-charm. I would rather bleach my fucking ASSHOLE than suffer through a medley of animated snowmen and nights of silence.
So, if you’re like me and would rather eat a fuckin’ bullet than endure through carols – I’ve found the perfect remedy for this soul-crushing mediocrity – DIRTY VERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS CAROLS!
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? Fuck that in the B! How about “I saw mommy fucking Santa Claus!” Yeah, yeah, fuck milk and cookies, old St. Nick wants milk and coochie!
Or how about that terrible jingle “Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer?” Again, I say, fuck that shit in the B! How’s about “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer!” Oh, my dark heart is beginning to thaw. Quite the contrary, I am starting to feel a little of that goddamned Christmas SNEER! Bah! Humbug, bitches!