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Bad Ass Frank didn’t say “If you were an Atheist maybe you would get laid more.”


Yesterday I posted a status update, on both Myspace and Facebook, that said I was very proud of winning the Oscar for Best Status Update, and that I wanted to thank my mom for losing her virginity, god for not existing, and girls for having vaginas. Within the hour I got a bunch of shitty emails from people acting like I told them that there was no god.

Oh. Oops.

First, let’s get two things out of the way. One, my mom got pregnant with me when she lost her virginity, and for that I’m thankful. Granted she was sixteen and it was in the back seat of a car, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve turned out to be a very well balanced adult, as you can all plainly see from my behavior. Secondly, I’m joking about thanking girls for having vaginas. No girl chose to have a vagina. It just happened. It’s absurd to thank you for something that you just popped out with. It’s not like they accomplished having a vagina. What I should have done was thanked girls for letting me into their vaginas. Now that’s something I appreciate.

Ok, now that I’ve written an entire paragraph about virginity, vagina, and my mom, I think it’s about time to move on before I start rocking back and forth and crying. Agreed?

The seemingly more inflammatory item on my thank you list appeared to be my implication that god does not exist. I don’t want all of the religious zealots to get their full back, granny style panties in a bunch. The only reason I said it in the first place was to be funny and, well, because it’s true. It’s not that I’m against religion. I’m all for whatever makes people happy, brings them peace, explains the world, gives them hope, makes them murder abortion doctors, blow up airplanes, commit mass genocide, and win a Grammy for their rap song. Hard for one not to see the logic of associating those things with a higher power. I certainly do.

Look, I don’t care if you believe in god, Allah, Buddha, or L. Ron Hubbard. I once believed in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Of  course I was six years old, but that’s not the issue. I am comfortable with whatever imaginary figure you choose to worship. Under no circumstances will I judge you, call you a bad person, or say you’re going to spend eternity in hell (by which I mean “New Jersey”). I’m simply going to tell you that I don’t subscribe to the same nonsense.

What you’re probably thinking right now is that I am passive aggressively mocking religion, and you’re right. But it’s not because it’s silly for grown people to think that an omnipotent being created us and controls our destiny. Just kidding, that’s totally the reason.

My point here is that I don’t care what you believe, nor should you care what I don’t believe. I never went to some strangers Myspace page, noticed they were a “Christian”, then wrote them a comment saying, “If you were an Atheist maybe you would get laid more.” I certainly did not. But I got a comment that said, “God is real and maybe if u believed in him people would know u outside of myspace.” Really? Really? If I believed in god I would be more famous? That’s your argument for me to believe? Well how bout this – if you believe that I’m god, I’ll make you famous on Myspace. The difference between me and your deity is that I’ll actually make it happen. And I don’t work in mysterious ways. I’ll just write a blog about you, post a bulletin and boom, your prayers are answered. Next time you’re gonna approach someone and tell them why their lives are less than fulfilling because they don’t believe what you believe, ask yourself…WWBAFD?

He’d spank a hot young chick, check his hair in the mirror, and write a blog making a mockery of everything you’re about. You’d do it too, if you were god.

Pray for me my friends. Pray for me. Oh wait, I meant TO me.

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