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Bad Ass Frank-Wants the PERFECT Girl

by Bad Ass Frank badass-frank.jpg

I fucking hate mingling. Mingling is gay. When I go to a social gathering, the only people I mingle with are my friends, or people I already know. So, it stands to reason that going to a social gathering is a complete waste of my time as I will only socialize with people I know who I can easily socialize with outside of this particular gathering. That, by my standards, exempts me from having to go to social gatherings. Clearly I won’t be meeting you at a party anytime soon. Blow me Evite. In addition to mingling, I also hate dating, at least in the traditional sense. I don’t want to ask you out, take you out, or even be out. Yeah, I know I sound bitter, but I’m not. What makes people bitter is when they’re unsuccessful, have a bad experience, or are simply not good at a particular thing, in this case dating. I, however, am quite good at it, have had great experiences, and tend to be successful at everything I do because, well, I pretty much rule.


That does not making dating any less lame. It’s like a fucking interview for your next relationship. A bunch of inane questions we ask each other while trying to read between the lines. You, to figure out if I like you. Me, to figure out if you like anal. Nothing screams contrived to me worse than sitting across a dinner table, holding polite conversation with a virtual stranger, while hoping you don’t have some fucking parsley stuck between your teeth or a big ass booger. Yeah yeah, I know you can go on less traditional dates, like to a yoga convention.Love-at-first-site is us twisting up our bodies and getting relaxed at the urging of some vegan with hairy armpits. Oops, don’t worry about that fart. It’s the bodies natural reaction to this position. It’s all bullshit. We could do a normal activity date. But I don’t want to learn about how many brothers and sisters you have, or that your parents are Mormons, or that you had a cat name Snickers when you were nine, while we’re bowling. I don’t even want to be bowling. I want to be home, in bed, preferably alone, drinking Sleepytime tea, watching International House Hunters with the person I love most. Me.


This does not bode well for my future as a husband and father. Seriously, I want a girlfriend. I enjoy a good relationship. Well, I will enjoy a good relationship, when I have one. The problem is that, at this point in my life, I don’t want to do the work leading into it. That shit is a pain in the ass. Why can’t a chick just show up, be totally awesome, live with us just being friends for a few months, then be my girlfriend instantly when I decide I’m ready? Is that too much to ask? (I already know the answer to that).


Beyond all that, just meeting somebody is near impossible (particularly when you don’t leave your bedroom). It’s like, where am I gonna find a sweet, cute, fun, funny, smart, employed, well balanced, emotionally secure, intellectually stimulating, hot, sexy girl who fulfills my ridiculously impossible list of criteria, all of my sexual fantasies, and can make Cream of Wheat just the way I like it?


I’ve tried all of the logical places to meet decent women: Bars, Myspace, high school graduations, the porn industry…and yet, no luck. Where do I go from here to find a quality mate? If anyone has any ideas, or wants to apply for the position as my girl, by all means, do so.


You just have to be able to make me understand why we’d be compatible. If you can do that, and I find you attractive, I’m game to entertain the idea. I’m not overly demanding, or too critical, or horribly picky. What I require from someone is actually very simple. The only thing I ask is that you be perfect.


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