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Birth Control Pills for Men!

What You Missed While You Were Jerking off!

It always made sense for me that birth control be invented for men before women. Better to just take the bullets out of the gun, which up until today meant lopping off your low hanging fruit.

Today you’re going to learn about the latest and greatest scientific breakthrough: a birth control pill for men.

In the most recent issue of much-lauded medical journal Cell, researchers and scientists have high hopes for their new drug that they say briefly halts the creation of sperm while doling out zero negative side effects.

For years, the pill industry was trying to create male birth control pills that targeted male hormones. But the whole prospect of it seemed doomed, largely due to adverse side effects mainly and notably the inability to keep an erection, which is hilariously ironic since the best surefire way to ensure safe sex is no boner. But where’s the fucking fun in that? Boo. That’s almost as sad as having a micro-penis.


Thanks Reddit. I feel like Priapus now. Wiki that for laughs.


Today’s miracle pill’s success lies in the use and manipulation of a chemical known as “JQ1.” Using some form of Jedi mind trick on the cellular level, with a languid flick of the wrist, JQ1 can make your balls forget to make any more baby batter for a short period of time. Data already collected from JQ1 lab tests on mice and rats successfully report that sperm production was indeed stopped or greatly diminished temporarily, then picking back up with no consequence or abnormalities.

Here’s the best part: due to its unique chemical make-up that allows it to communicate and manipulate proteins, JQ1 also doubles as a cancer prevention drug. Turns out, it can tell potential cancer cells in your body to “forget” how to kill you with tumors! =)

Yes, I know you wants some. The drug still needs years (2-5) of human trial testing to be completely approved by the FDA before mass consumption. We don’t want some doomsday-Children-of-Men scenario suddenly happening where mankind accidentally sterilizes himself for good. Because you know once JQ1 gets the greenlight, every baby-hating Jimmy with a jimmy will be lining out the door and around the corner for this ultimate Fuck pill.

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