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Can A Porn Producer Be A Good Parent?

Donny Pauling writes:

I’m finally ready to write about it. I needed time to get my emotions under control so I can write objectively. The situation wasn’t pretty.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this blog entry from Craig.

There’s obviously more to the story. And as time has gone by I’ve been learning more of it myself.

Let me ask you a question:
Do you remember when you first became curious about the opposite sex? I remember playing “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with a girl from my Sunday School class somewhere around kindergarten or first grade. I told my parents, we had a talk and that was that.

My 7 year old son is now at that age. He has the same curiosities we’ve all had growing up. In Caden’s case, he has an amazing mother who would rather err on the side of being overly cautious than to err on the side of not caring enough. I admire that about her. My son could not have a better mother.

Wendy wanted to handle this situation appropriately. She’d spoken with Caden and had “the talk” with him. I spoke with him as well. Both of us made the issue light hearted and no big deal. Wendy wanted to make sure we’d handled it right, so she decided to see a professional counselor. Based on the recommendations of a local church, she chose one Barry Byrne from Redding, California. Mr. Byrne is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and happens to be a member of the church that recommended him.

Upon meeting with Barry, Wendy didn’t know where to start, so Barry guided her along and asked her to start at the beginning. Since Barry is a Christian, Wendy decided to share some of her spiritual concerns with Barry. One of those concerns relates to the verse in Exodus 34:7 where it’s mentioned that the sins of the father are passed along to their children. She told Barry about my past as a porn producer. Wendy was wondering if Caden would have to face spiritual battles because of choices that I’d made. Apparently the two of them weren’t communicating very well, because Barry totally didn’t grasp the fact that Wendy was asking about possible spiritual issues in my son’s future. She wanted to know Barry’s opinions of such issues. The 45 minute session, apparently, was not enough time for Barry to fully comprehend Wendy’s concerns. In fact, it was such a short session that Wendy never was able to get around to the original issue she’d come to address.

Barry turned me in to Child Protective Services. He thought my past as a porn producer warranted a check in from CPS to make sure I’d never exposed my son to porn. I was furious. In fact, I’d say “furious” is an understatement.

Here’s one question I’d like answered:
Let’s say I was a police officer. As such, I’d probably witness horribly bloody auto accidents, homicide scenes, and other activities that are not appropriate for 7 year old children to hear about. As a good parent, I would never come home from work and tell my son about such things, right?

Likewise, as a porn producer, which may be immoral to Mr. Byrne and others who hold Christian values but is definitely far from illegal (especially in California), I would never expose my son to my work. Ever. I’m a very good parent. I love my son more than words can describe. I’m overly protective. I’ve never once raised my voice to him in his entire life, nor used the phrase “because I said so”, because I feel he deserves better. I don’t spank him (instead I get down on my knee at his eye level and explain things to him – and in return he is very well behaved – he behaves out of love, respect and trust rather than out of fear).

Mr. Byrne knew nothing of those things. He was in a hurry to get to his next appointment and didn’t do a thorough job. As I said before, 45 minutes wasn’t even enough time to get to the actual issue Wendy came to address.

CPS questioned my son. Wendy was just out of sight, yet still able to hear everything that happened. The person who interviewed Caden was very nice, but I still greatly dislike the fact that my son has now had to hear the question “did your daddy ever show you photos of naked people?” and answer inquiries by some random stranger as to why he wanted to “play doctor” with his playmate.

After the interview, the CPS agent called Wendy outside to let her know that she had no concerns and that, in her opinion, Caden is a very well adjusted child who is very close to his father.

Duh.

Actually speaking with my son himself (or spending a little more than 45 minutes with Wendy) would have revealed that to Barry Byrne and prevented my son from having to go through the CPS interview.

I’ve since spoken with Mr. Byrne. His attitude while talking with me took away most of my anger. He was considerate and apologized that he’d misunderstood Wendy’s concerns. He asked me to try to see that he was just trying to do his job. He said he’d keep in mind my recommendation “to dig a little deeper” should he face a similar situation in the future.

I kept a civil tone the entire time. I didn’t yell or scream at him. I didn’t curse at him or call him derogatory names. I mention that, because the old Donny would have done all of that and more.

But I did file a complaint with the family life Pastor who oversees the counseling department at the church, and Wendy followed that with a letter of her own.

The Moral of This Story:
Yes, my fine fellow Christians, even [gasp] PORN PRODUCERS (and former porn producers) can be good, responsible parents!

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