Editorials

Catherine the Great: Super Freak

Catherine the Great

This is Catherine the Great. She was Empress of Russia from 1729-1796, and ruled longer than any other Russian leader. Sure, she looked a bit like Andy Kaufman in a wig and a dress, but the people loved her. She worked hard, she was hella smart, and she was also a gigantic, unabashed freak. She proved to the world that you can be a kickass ruler, look a little like a dude in drag, and also be a horny goddess of debauchery and filth.

There’s always been a rumor that her biggest conquest was a horse (yikes), but most historians believe that’s just a shit-load of shade that was thrown at her by some jealous-ass bitches because they were terrified that a woman could not only rule and entire fucking country but also be in total control of her disgusting sexual predilections. 

Catherine the Great Big Horndog used her huge wads of cash to finance the dirtiest fuck pad in her motherfucking castle. It was a total shrine to people doin’ freaky shit with their genitals, and more than ever I wish time travel were a thing, because I need to see this masterpiece in person. She had tables held up by dicks with tits for balls (process that) carved into them, carvings of devils licking pussy on the tops of chairs, and enough intricately-carved wooden dicks to make Ron fucking Jeremy blush a little.

dick furniture

You thought I was lying about dicks with tits for balls? Think again!

Unfortunately there aren’t a lot of actual pictures of all this sweet ass furniture, and most of the furniture itself no longer exists, which means us cultured sluts will never be able to appreciate her rococo odes to screwing. A bunch of Germans in the 1950s gathered up and burned everything because it gave them shame boners or something. More recently, an artist has recreated some of the pieces and you can fucking buy themThey’re stupid expensive, but money means nothing when you can have a table that’s supported by four veiny dicks with tits for balls that’s adorned with more dicks and man-butts, right? Right.

How the fuck are you going to buy from Ikea again after looking at this shit? Damn, girl. Respect.

If Catherine ruled today would she still be a trend-setter in terms of sexuality, or would her then-crazy sex life seem terribly boring to us? Would we still consider her to be a complete super freak? I’d like to believe she’d be a bondage or group sex diva, but that’s all speculation. I want to hear your opinions!

Let’s rewrite history a little in the comments or have your voice heard on Twitter @worldsbestporn

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