Editorials

Celebrity Trainwrecks

 

This post is dedicated to the wild world of celebrity train wrecks.  For some reason, the fall-out these women have taken from society to insanity are less contrived and more life just making lemonade from a total crazy farm of lemons.  But for women like Miley Cyrus, her path is as contrived as the trench that director’s force Tom Cruise’s taller female cast members to walk through to make ole’ tiny Tom look average height.  Hence why her chicken butt didn’t make the cut.  Besides, do we really wanna see a repeat offender like her?  The tongue… Very Michael Jordan.  The twerk… Very 90’s hip hop music video’s.  I feel like her babysitter is TMZ.  They are always over, they are always talking to her, following her, making sure they can document every moment of her insignificant life.  I feel like TMZ has done a better job at parenting Miley than her own dad Billy Ray.  As Sinead O’ Connor puts it, “you’re off to rehab Miley.  One way ticket.”  And how true is that?  She’s doing all the things exceptionally right.  I want to even suggest a few minor details that she can twerk, err i mean tweak to  get the most mileage out of this new “look” of her’s.  What’s next honestly?  I know.. She’ll come out and declare she’s a lesbian.  For the gay community’s sake,  I hope you all provoke her enough to change her mind, and kick her out of the club.  She doesn’t deserve your acceptance.

 

Onto our list shall we…?

BRITNEY SPEARS:  ahh… Britney.. ?  Britney, Britney, Britney… tisk tisk.. You clever beaver you.. Falling into obscurity after being twice married and a couple of kids later.  What’s a girl to do?  Shave her fucking head that’s what.  Not shave it and make yourself look model-ish or somewhat presentable.  But shave your fucking head to Edward Norton style in American History X and go absolutely  crazy wielding an umbrella like The Penguin.  That’s nuts, but also quite hot.  I must admit, never did I think I officially had a chance with Britney Spears until she shaved her head.  When that happened, I thought to myself, “who is gonna want you now Britney… Me.  That’s who..”  Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions..  You see, when Britney shaves her head, the chips are no longer in her possession.  She doesn’t get to pick who she wants to date at that point.  It’s all up to the other guy from then on.  Good on yah babe!!!

 

 

 

 

 

AMANDA BYNES:  For the longest time I was calling this girl, Amanda Vines.  And then I thought it was Amanda Brines.  Had no idea who she is, I still have no idea.  I think she may or may not have been on a Disney show, from what I heard, but typically I know her as the weird twitter stalker of a guy named Drake.  I’m pretty sure that Drake is a white guy that owns a company that produces coffee filters for Starbuck’s but again I’m not sure about all this.. It just smells like a mess.

 

 

 

 

 

AMY WINEHOUSE: even in death you can do no wrong.  Your voice had an angel timbre, definitely infused by Lady Day herself, Billie Holiday.  Love you to bits.  Was so sorry to hear you go.  ‘They tried to make you go to rehab, but you said, no, no, no…’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: The question on everyone’s mind about you Christina is, “where did that butt come from?”  I mean, we knew you had it going on, growing up, watching you come up from a skinny little 20 year old tyke to a miss thang, with a bottle of wine stuffed in your purse in your 30’s.  Let’s be honest, I love it!  Cant’ get enough of your train wreck Christina.  You have kids now too, which it makes it that much disastrous.  What’s hot about the whole subject is this, what you do from here on out, completely affects your children, and how they will behave when they get older.  You are completely screwing up, but we just recently learned you have reclaimed your throne up on top of the castle that is held up somewhere in the middle, with the Voice t.v show.  So you must be back on your way to cleaning up your act somewhat… If that’s the case you drop off a few notches from this list, cause you will likely suck after that happens.  And suck hard you will!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COURTNEY LOVE: You are famous because you married a rock star who sort of looked like you.  You have a daughter that sort of looks like you too. (More like him but hotter.)  You cleaned up during the Man on the Moon movie shoot, but then something happened after that. Sorry if I seem insensitive.

 

 

 

 

 

LINDSAY LOHAN:  I have no respect for your face.  Only your tits.  You were straight then gay, then back to straight, and now your mom is all weird too.  What was that all about when she tried to fist bump Dr. Phil?  That was weird and awkward.  Your Mean Girls days are way behind you, and no matter how hard you tried, you never had Marilyn Monroe days, so you can just go back to being a red head.  And eat a bit more for heaven’s sake, so you can treat us all to those great Mean Girl looking tits you used to have.  Now that’s why you were casted in Herby.  Or Kirby… Or whatever the fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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