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Conky’s Guide to Suitcase Pimpology

Conky writes on XPT:

With LA Erotica coming up this weekend, I thought I’d take a moment to give some tips and suggestions to visitors who may be interested in becoming a Suitcase Pimp.

Before you arrive and once you’re inside:

Your best bet is to find a new face at the show rather than one who’s been round the block a few times. She’ll be more likely to buy into your bull shit and less likely to sic security on your ass immediately. IMPORTANT: masturbate before you leave the house.

1. Make sure you’re showered and deodorized but go easy on the cheap shit. If you haven’t got good cologne, don’t use any at all, but DO use deodorant. Even dumb whores don’t like guys who smell worse than a bukkake set before clean up.

2. Wear something smart, but not business smart. And by smart I don’t mean wear your best pearl snap button Nashville duds and that really cool trucker cap you’ve been saving up for a special occasion.

3. Do not carry a camera! Nothing marks you out as a fanboi as quick as a cheap camera. You need to give the impression that you’re meant to be there.

4. Smile and nod at random people in the booths. They don’t know you, but the people looking at you don’t know that do they?

5. Locate your whore!

Your Next Step:

Found a porn chick who takes your fancy? Good. Are you looking at her in a financial light, or do you just want to fuck her? If you just want to fuck, you’ve failed right off the bat. You’re looking for short term financial stability, not a relationship you asshole.

Locate a cute whore who you reckon has legs as a commercial product. Is she eating? If yes, move away. Is she drinking? If yes, move away until she’s drunk.

Now, with your whore selected, follow these steps:

1. Stand nearby but behind the whore. Do not approach her initially.

2. Look everywhere but at the whore. Inspect the booth and your surroundings. You belong there. Relax. Look confident. Continue nodding and smiling at industry types who pass by. Dig out your cell and make some calls to your voice mail. Leave important sounding messages about contracts, deals and how that dude has HPV and won’t be working with your bitch any time soon.

3. Stare at men who approach your bitch. Smirk at them as they line up for autographs or pictures. If possible, step forward and offer to take their photo with your girl.

4. Occasionally, sidle up to the whore as she’s signing. Lean down and whisper the following question: “Can I get you something to drink? Some water maybe?” If she has any sense, she’ll look around at you, shake her head and smile slightly. There may be physical contact. This is why you masturbated earlier.

5. If she declines your offer, step back to your original position and resume your ‘oversight’.

6. As the show draws to a close, approach whore and ask if you could have a minute of her precious time to ask her a couple of questions. You must add at the end of this sentence: “Don’t worry, I’m not a creepy fan, I work in the biz”. She’ll be confused, that’s all right, we expect that. She’s had to write her own name more times than she can remember [possibly into double figures] and her brain will be fried. This may have happened before the show.

The Pitch

If your whore is tired, she’s vulnerable. If she’s drunk, it might be Mary Carey so move on. Tell her that you’ve been watching her during the show and you like what you see. Tell her you represent various adult interests but you can’t mention names because there’s a lot of competition for contracts right now and you can’t be too careful. Ask if she has representation. If she hasn’t, then tell her the following: you would like to make some approaches on her behalf, at no cost to her and with no hidden catches. You think she can go far. She has potential. You don’t just think that, you know it. Hell, you’ve seen it today. You absolutely know she can be the next Jenna Jameson. Even if she’s a fat African American chick.

Never tell her you’re working on some deals. Instead, tell her you’re going to make some approaches on her behalf. You’re working for her, no one else. You only have her best interests at heart. Tell her you’ll check back with her tomorrow and let her know how things pan out.

The Sell

Repeat your initial arrival to the show, but this time go further. Hit the biggest booths and collect business cards. Tell whoever is in charge that you have a property they may be interested in. Tell them which stand she’s on so they can check her out. Tell them you are working for her, approaching potential partners. You are not a fan. You’re there for business and man, how hard is it to do business at Erotica LA? Laugh. Slap backs. Remember: You are meant to be there.

Return to your chosen whore. As you get near her, attempt to catch her eye and wave. If she notices you, hold up one finger and immediately take your cell out as though you’ve got a call coming in. Smile and nod while making random noises into your phone. Give whore a thumbs up and a smile. Things are really working out here!

Finally talk to whore. Tell her you’ve had quick meets with INSERT VIDEO COMPANY NAMES HERE and they’re interested in taking things to the next step.

She wants to know what that is…..

In For The Kill

1. Tell her there are a couple of problems with her. She’ll want to know what. Suck your teeth, pull faces…. This is really hard for you.

2. If you’ve done even half as well as you should, by this stage she’ll want to know what’s wrong. Her own low self-esteem issues will hopefully kick in here and she may volunteer physical traits that she feels let her down. If she doesn’t, then pick one.

3. Look at her face carefully from both sides. Pull a face and say, “Yeah, I kinda see what he means”. She’ll be really insecure now and will demand to know what’s up. Tell her you know she’s busy. You’ve got a few more people to see but you’ll swing by the booth a little later, if she’s not too busy. Look at your watch. You’re important. You have things to do, people to see. Tell her there’s a casting you have to be at, and blow.

4. Return an hour later. You’re all smiles. You’d like to introduce her to some folks, can she get free at all? If she can, then take her by a couple of booths. Introduce yourself first: “Hey, I’m ????? I was here yesterday about ???? Here she is.” Step back, listen to what they say. Speak only if you think it’s relevant. Do NOT make jokes.

5. If that works well enough, tell her you have to go collect a bad debt from someone at the show. Leave her and hide in the toilet for 30 minutes. You probably need to jerk off again anyhow.

6. Return to the booth and tell her you’ve set up a meet at a restaurant nearby for that evening. Can she make it? It could be about a contract, certainly about a three picture deal. She wants to know who with. Look around furtively, you can’t tell her right now. People would freak. If you’ve played it right, she’ll buy it.

Congratulations, you’ve just passed your first exam in Suitcase Pimpology. You now have a dinner date with the next Jenna Jameson.

I may continue this user guide to whores over the coming months, with further instruction on how to milk your whore, the best prescription drugs to feed her for ultimate dependency on you and how to ingratiate yourself with industry figures. Later in the series, my colleague Sergio will be putting together a list of correct whore discipline techniques.

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