The Cure For Cancer? Maybe… There are Definite Health Benefits To Beating Off!!!
So in honor of International Womens Day last week, pull your pants down, rejoice, and start beating it!!!
According to an article in Men’s Health Magazine, an in depth study has shown that there are true benefits to masturbating. So guys, make sure to take your manhood in your own hands, and do the deed, since there are health benefits in doing so.
5 things that you can help yourself with by masturbating:
1) It Prevents Cancer:
In a 2003 study from Austrailia, men who ejaculated more than five times per week, were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer. Disease-causing toxins build up in your urogenital tract and when you rub one out, you flush the bad boys out of your system, says clinical sexologist, Dr. Gloria Brame.
2) It makes you harder:
As you age, you lose muscle mass and tone. Regular sex or masturbation works out your pelvic floor musicles to prevent erectile dysfunction and incontinence. It also keeps the angles of your dong nice and proper. You should aim to check on your pipe about 3-5 times per week. Nothing wrong with that!!!
3) It makes you last longer:
Taking yourself to the “palm prom” may help you stretch your sack sessions. If you masturbate before a date, you will gain better control of your tolerance when things hopefully develop in bed, later that evening with your date. You may ask yourself, “how the hell am I lasting so long?” Well the answer is in the pre-game practice. This is the 100% full proof plan to being able to satisfy “her” with your love pump for that extra mile. Just don’t get too comfortable with your pre-game and end up falling asleep on the couch when she calls letting you know you’re three hours late for dinner.
4) It ups your immunity:
Ejaculation increases levels of the hormone cortisol. The hormone cortisol which usually gets a bad rap as a havoc-wrecking stress hormone, actually helps regulate and maintain your immunity in smaller doses. Masturbation protects the right environment for a strengthened immune system. –Accoring to Dr. Jennifer Landa, a specialist in hormone therapy.
5) It boosts your mood:
Masturbating releases a slew of feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine, and oxytocin that lift your spirits, boost your satisfaction, and activates the reward circuits in your brain. So, when you beat off, and release officialy, it is going to the same system in your brain where you go when crossing hte finish line of a marathon. Way to go champ! It’s also said, that, a brain scan of someone having an orgasm looks like a heroin addict, or vice versa.
Having said all this, there are things to watch out for when masturbating. Mainly, making sure you don’t do it wrong.
It is not as simple as just playing push and pull, or tug of war with your cock. Some claims have come into our extensive science and research unit here that have actually published findings that could quite frankly, scare the shit out of you.
A man in Nigeria fractured his penis by using a very uncommon technique, we like to call it
the “The Chopper-Copter” technique.
How to do:
First, place your thumb and index finger at the base of the penis, (by the pelvic bone), while folding it upwards attempting to point the tip towards your stomach. Now squeeze. Next, you take your other hand and spin your cock around in a circular motion. Definitely stop, and seek medical treatment if you hear the sound of a “click!” You’re going to want to get that checked out.
But beware, although it may seem embarrassing to talk about, a Doctor will need to know the truth otherwise he will not know how incredibly stupid you are, and won’t be able to diagnose the problem with the proper treatment.
You do not want this to happen. So make sure to ease into the conversation by stating, that you are genuinely stupid and thought this would be an alternative to regular, normal, everyday masturbation.
Look, this isn’t music guys, it’s not as simple as, being tired of the same old tunes in your life, so you attempt to switch to a more alternative genre or style for a little while. This will seriously make your dick fall off. It’s almost like unscrewing a wingnut. Be very very careful.
“Eeling out the pipes”
is our next technique. Or often referred to as, “gone fishing”. This might be the most dangerous way of alternate masturbation. Personally I can happily say this is one technique i have never thought of trying, let alone actually attempting. It seems as though this one would need some serious supervision.
How to do:
Take something extremely long and slender. Like a copper speaker wire, or possibly string. Next, you want to begin shoving that shit down the urethra tract, making sure it has been pushed in nice and deep.
Maybe, nausea will set in right away, just ingnore it and keep pushing. That is your body’s way of telling you, “this is working.” Once the inside of your shaft is fully loaded with the foreign object, beat away. When it’s time for “release” you have two options..
rip the substance that you gagged your dick with, right out as fast as possible (similar to how you would start a lawnmower), or
Let it ride. Save it. Keep it in there, and let it explode out of you with your semen. There is no room for air, so it will shoot like a cannon, and the fire of pain will intoxicate you, right before having to be rushed to the hospital. If you’re really lucky, major complications can ensue, such as having the foreign object wrap around your bladder, requiring surgery. I know… Sounds like fun doesn’t it?
In some cases of alternate masturbation techniques, death can most definitely occur. If you’ve tried the above techniques and you are the thrill seeking type, you may want to read on. There is definitely a warning attached to all of these, but none as more severe as this one.
In many circles, this is referered to as “autoerotic asphyxiation”. Our research team likes to call this one “The Kill Bill” technique, in memory of one of our favorite martial artists, Mr. David Carradine.
There are plenty of crazy sex practices, some riskier than others, but few are as life threatening as “the Kill Bill.” Depriving the brain of oxygen–say via strangling or suffocation–is said to increase pleasure by creating a euphoric state. In reality, researchers have linked the fetish to an abusive past, guilt associated with masturbation, and general risk-taking/thrill-seeking. *Note* if you are searching for thrill seeking sex, an alternate way to do this is, just simply have sex in a public place.
DO NOT PERFORM THE KILL BILL.
If you need some tips on safe fucking, here is what you do:
In order to become familiar with the nuances of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations, high-speed solo driving on a closed course can be helpful (yes, we’re talking about masturbation, if you couldn’t tell).
According to a recent survey, nearly one-third of British men do this weekly. And contrary to rumor, it will not harm your equipment. In fact, it can be viewed as a practice lap for sex, where you’re forever flirting with the limits of control.
Engaging the Choke
To postpone ejaculation and extend lovemaking, engage “the choke.” This technique involves firmly squeezing the tip of the penis just behind the head prior to orgasm.
Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuel can cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems.
To avoid this in, use fuel that has a fat content below 30 percent and is low in cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.
Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction time at least doubles with age.
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failure to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control.
Slamming on the brakes while driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn’t occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries there can cause a dull pain, similar to that of an aching muscle.
Here’s a tip for oral sex on the ladies too.. It was once joked about, by one of the greatest comedians of all time, Sam Kinison. He said when going down on a lady, guys need to spell the alphabet with their tongues. This method is great!!! Not sure if it works or not, as our research was quite inconclusive to this report, but training exercises for this were actually very positive.
In order to be a sex martial artist you need to be good at what you do. So why not try, making yourself a bowl of alphabet soup. Then, fill your mouth with the alphebetized noodles, and run your tongue around each letter and guess what letters they are. Spit them out as you guess, so you can spell check. Great way to get your tongue in the game, and your women will thank you. Trust me!!!