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Hackers Bare Gifts Of “Ransomware”

Glad to see you’re all still with us on this fine Friday December 21st 2012. No enlightenment, no apocalypse, just the same ol’ shit. Business as usual. Speaking of business, a group of hackers have found clever new ways to strip your wallet clean of coin this holiday season (and beyond). Fear not though, for computer users with half a brain (which means YOU if you’re reading this classy blog) will be able to avoid this scam shit like the plague.

If you see this message – calmly shut your computer off, and scream “FUCK RUSSIA!!!!”


It seems hackers have begun targeting PORN fans, trying to scare them into paying an “obligatory fee” in the hundreds of dollars, by locking them out of their systems and/or encrypting their data and files. We here at are highly offended by this, as we strive to proudly keep our websites CLEAN and FREE from any malicious software. This style of attack originated in Russia, and quickly spread to places like Germany and beyond. And it gets worse – this “cryptoworm” is likely to squeeze through into the smartphone platform in the coming months. It’s possible you’ll see large amounts of data and hardware lost due to this impending threat.

This will be you, after receiving said ransomware!


Lucky for you, we can share some tips to stop this oncoming threat in its tracks. NOTHING can stop us from enjoying a harmless, quality fuck vid (esp. from your fav site, right? The first few tips go without saying:

  • Maintain current antivirus software that updates regularly
  • Ensure your operating system is CONSISTENTLY up to date
  • Limit your amount of personal info. thruout the interwebs
  • Don’t provide personal/financial info. to ANYONE you don’t know or trust

This last one may seem like a no brainer, but some people are just clueless and click-happy I guess. This is probably the most important tip you can follow: DO NOT CLICK UNKNOWN LINKS! It’s as simple as that. One of the main reasons computers are compromised is due to curiosity of the unknown. If you AREN’T opening questionable emails or visiting sketchy websites, or attempting to download HD movie files that’re 25 MB in size… YOU SHOULD BE FINE! It just takes a little common sense. Finally, BACK UP your data. Have an external harddrive, or designated storage space on a cloud online somewhere with duplicates of important files. In fact, have 2 or 3 backups. Then you have nothing to worry about! ?

Not quite as easy as this, but definitely worth your time and $!


In case you fall victim to this shitty, blackhearted scheme – I’ve done some quick research on how to remove “police themed” ransomware viruses. I understand it’s ironic to tell you to click a link I post after telling you to be cautious about clicking links – but a simple google search of “ransomware” will land you at this help page. It outlines in detail the steps to take if your computer is infected, and it starts out with booting your system in “safe mode”. Good luck, and keep enjoying our world class content! You won’t get slapped on the wrist (or with a fine for that matter). We promise! Go ahead, watch our new HOME ALONE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Tis the season.


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