Editorials

Hillbilly Porn On The Rise!!!

Hillbilly Porn On The Rise!!!

 

Leave it to the public to demand a good thing is not enough, and needs to be exploited further. As if porn hadn’t already taken enough risks, we are now on the verge, in this post end of days world we live in, for a new rise in Hillbilly Porn. Recently TMZ reported that the new craze of shows like “Duck Dynasty”, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, “Buckwild”, and other redneck programming, has officially spilled into the adult film industry, and guess what? Sales of “hillbilly porn” have tripled in the last two years.

 

 

Unlikely? Nope, this is truth. In fact, TMZ spoke with a rep for GameLink.com who had said, “we’ve seen an increase by more than 250% in the Southern, white-trashy porn titles since 2010, with numbers still climbing.”

Can we expect to see “Fuck Dynasty”, and “Here Comes Honey Hoo Hoo” soon? You bet! The devastation on the faces of industry icons such as Lexington Steele, and Byron Long when news came out, that “white-trash”, “redneck” porn was tripling in sales, with no signs of slowing down must have been heart breaking. I can see it now, Lex Steele, just sitting at the kitchen table reading some blog in regards to this topic and saying, “mutha fuckin rednecks.”

 

 

In fact, “Honey Boo Boo” cousin ‘Crazy’ Tony Lindsey has already been offered a role in an adult film. Recently ‘Crazy’ Tony expressed a lot of interest in starring in a redneck themed porn, so long as he didn’t have to come up with a catchy moniker. Afterall, we are talking about a guy who’s already got the word ‘Crazy’ before his actual name. So monikers would seem to appear quite stupid to him.

 

 

 

Assence Productions, a Los Angeles-based porn company, hopes to have ‘Crazy’ Tony signed onto their roster and working in an X-rated spoof of the hit show. It’s tentatively titled, “Here Cums Honey Poon Poon”. The producer Mike Kulich said, ‘Crazy; Tony Lindsey would get to star in five scenes and have final choice of his onscreen partners in the film.

He also hopes the public would be accepting of the parody, as “country porn already exists, the girls dress up in flannel shirts, and tight jean shorts, cowboy boots and hat. Hillbilly porn is a bit more comical, we’d have to play up the bucktoothed angle.” Kulich thinks it would be most appropriate to enlist the acting and fuck chops of Monica and Jessica Sexxxton, a mother-daughter porn duo who work together on camera.

“The Sexxxtons would be good because it fits the inbreeding sterotype” Kulich said. “They’re the real deal!” But doesn’t know if they’ll do it, he adds.

 

 

Here’s the actual breakdown with the Sexxxtons. First, not their real names. Let’s just get that out of the way. Next, they don’t fuck each other, as people may want to believe. Are they actually mother-daughter?

Yes that has been proven via driver’s license match, and facebook profiles, they are in fact, mother-daughter. But going back to the fucking part, they do not have sex with each other. They do have sex in the same room, with other people or the same guy or girl, but not at the same time. Come on, even rednecks have standards. They created their own website and have made a DVD.

The Sexxxton’s are expected to be filthy rich when this endeavour is finished. I personally can’t wait for the Celebrity Rehab season with them on it in the near future. This is all headed for destruction, that I guarantee. Something tells me, there’s no going back to ‘fuckin normal’ from a mother-daughter combo doing porn together.

Once you cross that line, how the fuck do you come back from that? The answer is: Reality T.V. Throw them a script, have them say a bunch of shit, edit and slam it altogether, poof–hit T.V show in the making, that will be sure to deliver the goods week in week out. (Probably get cancelled mid way through their first season, thus opening the doors for a quick stint on Celebrity Rehab.)

Yes, it’s true… The explosion of these Hillbilly shows are sealing the deal in the ratings war, with salary boosts mid season, and attempts to even further glorify the stars lives with producers trying to move the cast into bigger houses, and better scenic areas, in attempts to help ratings even further skyrocket, and exploit young stars such as Honey Boo Boo into the world of child star syndrome. Don’t these prodcuers understand, by acting upon those impulses they are just creating the next Gary Coleman or Danny Bonaduce?

I’ve watched Honey Boo Boo mentally break on live television on talk shows such as Jimmy Kimmell, Dr. Drew, Jay Leno etc… etc…

 

She does not look like she wants to be there, she does not look happy, and upon further review, I’m willing to bet that she does not want to be in the limelight. She seems like a good kid, who likes cheeseballs way too much, and has a bit of a sass problem. I would go as far to say that Honey Boo Boo is a 40 year old black woman stuck inside a 7 year old body.

(Can you see the similarities?)

or how about this one?


Who’s to blame? Mama. That’s who. Her name is June Shannon the mother of four kids, all from different fathers. Joel McHale from The Soup, calls her “The Human Thumb”. Which is quite appropriate since she looks like a human sized thumb. What’s even crazier about the name is that in the season finale last year, one of her daughters who was pregnant throughout the entire season, birthed a baby on the finale that had an extra thumb! And Mama, (the mother of all four kids, who now is a grandmother) is ONLY 32 years old.

What the fuck America? Honestly.

 

 

The sheer popularity of this show has encouraged and solidified the rise and growth of “hillbilly porn”, as prior to the success of this program, TV hits like “Swamp People, “American Hoggers”, and “Hillbilly Handfishing” were amongst the all time worst sellers in the adult industry of parody remakes.

Marjorie Kaplan, president and general manager of Animal Planet, home of “Hillbilly Handfishing”, told the Washington Post earlier this year that viewers watch shows like this out of a “desire to connect back to something that’s a little more raw and a little bit more real”.

I can say this to Marjorie “who doesn’t know fuck-all” Kaplan, she should be fired on her obscured view of the world, and what people watch and for what reasons. She clearly has no idea, and is so disconnected from the rest of society. I will speak for the world and say: WE WATCH THESE SHOWS BECAUSE THE PEOPLE IN THEM ARE MORE FUCKED UP THEN WE ARE!!!

We don’t watch because it’s “real”, or “raw”. In fact, yah bitch, these shows are more scripted then a fucking episode of Three’s Company! I’m positive in a show like “Honey Boo Boo” more shit off camera happens then on. Producers having to walk up to little Honey Boo Boo and ask her if she could say that last line again, it’ll be great for T.V! That goes for all reality television for that matter.

It’s been known fact that Bret Michales banged each and everyone of his cast members on “Rock Of Love” before picking the final girl. What we don’t get to see. The amount of actual banging on the Jersey Shore….So much banging I’m sure The Situation’s balls have to be iced between gym, tan and laundry–but we just don’t get to see that. Thank the heaven’s above!

To go back to the Hillbilly porn topic, it’s still unknown as of yet, if ‘Crazy’ Tony Lindsey has accepted the offer or not to do porn. TLC spokesperson had no comment on the topic, but Kulich has stated, if Lindsey does accept, they could have a product out as early as Valentine’s Day.

Here’s a quick rundown of some reality T.V Hillbilly shows that I’m sure you all are watching.

 

Here’s the woman of the show.

Krystal “Pistol” Campbell

 

THE HOT CAST of BUCKWILD:

Shae Bradley
“The Spicy Southern Belle”

Around town, Shae is known as the Southern belle. She’s been chased after by every eligible bachelor in Sissonville but somehow always ends up with the bad boy. Currently a nursing student, this college girl is also a country girl through and through. In fact, her first kiss was on the back of a four-wheeler.

 

And now for the HOTTEST CHICK ON BUCKWILD!!!

Salwa Amin
“Bengali in Boots”

A recent college graduate, Salwa lives at home with her strict parents. Whenever she’s able to slip away, she’s the first one at the party. The oldest of the group, Salwa is always down for a good time and everyone loves her “tell it like it is” attitude. [Everyone except perhaps the police, who apparently picked Salwa up on some misdemeanor charge back in July.

Well, as always, blogs do come to an end, and sadly so has this one.  I’m always trying to bring you, the people, the most interesting topics to read about.  To me, this whole Hillbilly Porn thing, is like keeping up with the Benjamins.  If you want to stay current and relevant in this business then I assume you have to see what model works and what models don’t.  Apparently there is a clammer for white-trash, rednecking, hillbilly porn right now.  Not sure what else to say about the topic other than, to expect a release of future parody’s that are coming soon, based on backwoods living!

This blog would not be complete without a montage of the best sneeze in the world, from the woman who helped “her kind” get to where they are!

Enjoy.

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