I will have six months of sobriety under my belt next Thursday, and I never have urges or cravings at all. In fact, whenever I encounter a situation where I could drink, the fucking hell I was living in before immediately flashes through my mind, and the thought of ingesting even the smallest amount of booze is physically repugnant. Combine that “gag reflex” with the fact that I’m happier, healthier, and look better than I ever have, and there’s no way I’m going back where I was. My friends and family have told me I’m a totally different person now, and when I look in the mirror, I no longer hate what I see. I look forward to a bright and happy future, and every day I’m thankful of where I am today.
But, that being said, I’m also a little afraid. I’m afraid of slipping, and that’s not because I’ve ever felt like I was close to it, but because over these last 6 months I’ve seen a lot of friends relapse, and it terrifies me. I’ve been told that the fear I have is healthy, because it keeps me straight and reminds me of how dangerous the disease of alcoholism is, but it sucks knowing that I am only one drink away from total disaster. The problem is, if I take that first drink, I have no idea what will happen after that. It’s a little crazy knowing that I can have a totally rational mind, but pour in a little liquor, and I become a totally different person. I don’t want to be Hyde ever again.
…I think there are genetic predispositions, combined with environmental factors. My friends that I partied with in high school and college don’t have this problem, and back then they would drink just as much as me or more. They outgrew it, but I never did– I just got worse. That always confused me until I was finally forced to accept that I was an alcoholic and different from them. Then I could finally take the necessary steps to pull myself together and put my life back together.
And Burg, I think it depends on who you are talking about– for some people early sobriety is much harder than having time. This is what scares me: I don’t want to have several years sober and forget where I came from, decide then that I’m “over” my drinking problem, and I’m sure I can handle “just one”. It would be nice if that could be the case, but I seriously doubt it, and I really don’t want to find out. I wish there was a quick fix, but I think it’s a lifelong decision I have to stick by, and I really hope that I do.
Thanks everyone for your well wishes, I really appreciate it. Everyone here (well mostly everyone, LOL) was so supportive when I was in rehab, which I really didn’t expect. It would be so great to be perfect, but this is the demon I have to live with. But, it could be worse– I could have cancer.