As most couples will testify, the arrival of a new baby causes their sex lives to plummet all the way to the floor. There could be many explanations for that, but new mothers often worry that their husbands no longer see them as attractive. Fathers, on the other hand, experience a drop in testosterone and therefore report having less sex. Men with less testosterone are less aggressive and more caring, and new fathers are programmed to take care of the newborn at the expense of sex. Because let’s face it, as soon as the baby arrives, nearly every aspect of your relationship changes —including your love life. But how does having children affect your sex life? The Porn Dude takes a look at what research says.
Only way is down?
When people marry, they are happy and satisfied because they are in love. Things, however, tend to change after that. Research has shown that a couple’s satisfaction with their marriage changes during the first years of marriage and if the decline is particularly steep, divorce is inevitable. The arrival of a newborn is especially tough on couples. The rate of relationship satisfaction among childless couples is almost twice as high as couples with kids. But here is another interesting fact; while all this may make your sex life miserable, the likelihood of divorce declines. It’s called the irony of life.
Many young couples think that having children will bring them together, but sadly, that’s a myth among young couples who are madly and blindly in love. Older folks know better.
From lovers to parents
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the arrival of a baby will change the family dynamics. Indeed, having a child changes how couples interact. As the new parents go along their business of parenting, things may start to feel a bit business-like and distant. Raising a kid takes a lot of energy and resolve, and there is often little time or energy for sex. Shifting from lovers to parents is no mean feat, and it sure takes its toll.
Beyond the sexual intimacy, the little things lovers say to each other are gone. Gone are the flirty texts to be replaced with questions and texts that look like a grocery list. Make no mistake, the adverse effects of parenting are felt regardless of marital status or income levels.
Frustration for mothers
Perhaps not so surprisingly, mothers tend to bear the brunt of parenting. While many couples agree to share the burden of parenting, the relationship soon slips into the stereotypical gender roles in parenting and mothers are mostly the ones to wake up at night to tend to the baby while the father uses most of his energy to meet the family’s financial obligations. The increasing childcare and housework chores make women feel guilty, stressed and frustrated, which can adversely affect a couple’s sex life.
The feelings of isolation, being disconnected from friends and feeling like their world is shrinking can be especially tough on young mothers which can make them too stressed to feel sexy. Even in informed feminist marriages, there is a way mothers get involved with their kids that fathers just can’t. And make no mistake; there is nothing sexy about children as older couples would no doubt testify.
If you think you are having less sex than you feel is necessary, try having kids. A decrease in sex drive among women is almost universal. If she is nursing, this may actually continue for many months. The lack of sleep in the next few months after childbirth can suck the energy out of her which reduces both the interest and ability to have sex. A child demands way too much attention, as couples with young kids will testify.
Most couples report having less sex at least for several months after the birth of their child. But it’s not all doom and gloom, some couples report better sex, more satisfying, even if it happens less frequently.
Difficulty discussing the subject
Many couple’s sexual problems after childbirth arise because many grew up in homes where sex was a taboo subject. No one taught them that sex is not only essential but also absolutely necessary for a relationship. Couples are unable to openly discuss their sex lives, choosing to instead focus their energies on raising the child. Lack of sex robs a relationship of a vital bonding agent which can mean the death of a marriage, the child notwithstanding.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
So, if the arrival of kids in a marriage can negatively affect their sex lives, does it mean their departure from the nest is good for marriage? The truth of the matter is, if a couple had stayed in a marriage for the sake of their kids, they might soon discover they have nothing keeping them together which can be even worse. The Porn Dude is hardly a relationship expert, but couples should look for ways of keeping their sex lives active, even after the arrival of newborns.
And who is to say good ‘dicking’ cannot solve relationship problems? There are many ways of bringing the spice back to your sex lives, kids or no kids.