Editorials

Insane Porn Inventions You’ve Never Heard Of!

Wow, Human race, we’ve sure come a long way from crudely constructed dildos and sad-as-shit pocket pussies, haven’t we? After all, it’s 2011, intrepid readers, and with it comes new, exciting and ever shameful ways to rub one out! So fire up your VR helmet, connect the electrodes and pray for a lightning storm, because in one way or another, you’re gonna get a rise outta this outrageous list of brand-spanking new inventions…for fucking yourself.

1.) The Real-Life Sex Doll

Not to be confused with its low-rent cousin, the perpetually “O”-faced blow-up doll, these extremely high-quality mannequins of fuck and filth boast hyper-realistic skin, interchangeable TONGUES and a robust metal endoskeleton connected by easy-to-position G.I Joe action figure joints. And yes, from what I hear, that soulless pussy ain’t too shabby either, especially when you’re staring into this precious, tender face of acceptance:

You had me at lifetime wear and tear guarantee…

For a meager six thousand dollars (plus shipping fees and hush money for the postman) you too, can be the proud owner of your very own synthetic plaything!

Or if you’re real demented and prefer your sexbot to respond to your touch or better yet, for ones emotionally starved, offer canned vocal responses like some possessed pull-cord dolly, check out this hilarious video:


2.) The RealTouch

I gotta admit, at first glance, this sumbitch doesn’t look appealing like at all. Now that could be attributed to its pencil-sharpener-from-the-future design. But peel back the layer and there’s more horrors to be found. Supposedly, this badboy is synced up to actual porn scenes, mimicking whatever happens on screen by way of mini movable, crunching conveyor belts that grind your junk back and forth in a weirdly erotic shuffle. Yes, just like the real thing. If the real thing was getting a beejer from a fucking transformer.

Who wants to get their dick shredd- i mean, sucked!

3.) Xbox = Sexbox

Remember that newfangled Xbox Kinect periphery that Bling Bling Bill Gates and co. just released that lets you play video games by waving your arms around like a raving hobo?  Well, porn got its mitts on it and sexified it! Thanks to the brains from ThriXXX, you get to control a disembodied floating hand. YES! Now you’re the fucking “Thing” from Addam’s Family, son!  Gaze upon your screen at the roughly rendered computer stripper and rove your virtual hands around her perverted pixels! But don’t believe me, see this totally useless technology for yourself!


4.) The iPussy

Hey ladies, ever catch yourself wondering what it would feel like to get fucked by your favorite song? How many times would “Bad Romance” make you cream? (zero) Well, wonder no more! Introducing the OhMiBod, a fully functional vibrator, when hooked up to your iPod, pulses and tickles your kitty to the beat and tempo of your music! Hmm, methinks this could be fun for about never.

iSuck

5.) Porn.com 3D!

Shameless promotion aside, I’d like bring up a real point here for all the masses. All these virtual vaginas/dick mashers and creeptastic fuck dolls are far and away from anything remotely sexy. You know it. I know it. Just know that whenever you feel the need to indulge in some good old-fashioned smut, just mosey on down to PORN.COM for the latest and greatest and not to mention, FREE porn! Oh yeah, now would probably be a good time to mention we’ve got 3D porn filmed with authentic 3D cameras, all  you need is a pair of these:

I got my hater blockaz on?

 Enjoy!

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