Industry News

Jeremy Steele on Doing Porn while in a Relationship.

Photo: Jeremy Steele with Kandi Milan @ Venice Beach.

 OP/ED by Jeremy Steele
 

Jeremy Steele on doing porn while in a relationship.
 
 
Once upon a time, several times, in fact, I was a porn star in a relationship with another porn star.
 
Btw, I use the term “porn star” just as any one who would condemn me for having ever been a sex worker would call me “porn star”… if I’m gonna get the shit for it then let me get the shine as well.
 
Actually, like kids in nursery school, every porn star should get a prize or award, at some point, just for having done porn.  Each one should be handed one upon walking into an awards show.
That way the show would also move a lot faster.
 
One time I was in a room, sitting next to my then porn star girlfriend, just innocently looking around, and every time I looked in a particular direction, I was accused by her of making flirtations with another
girl I knew. The God’s honest truth is that I wasn’t making flirtations with the girl, yet my protestations fell on deaf, jealous ears.
 
I would be accused of believing, for some reason, that I would be getting “brownie points in heaven” for all the pussy I get in this life, be it on camera or off.
 
This stupid comment was repeated so many times as if repeating them each time made them more so a fact. And again, my protestations, each time and always, fell on deaf ears.
 
And this was coming from someone fucking and sucking cock, no holes barred for all to see.
 
The Producer who shot Porn Star For Rent (a documentary that I and many other porn performers and professionals were featured in), once said to me that all those who have sex on camera for
money should get paid One Million Dollars for their first sex scene… and that all other scenes after that, they shouldn’t get paid anything.
 
The point within this comment was that, in many ways, there’s a heavy price to pay for “doing the nasty” on camera for all to see for all eternity… including friends, families, past, present and/or future coworkers… and of course, significant others.
 
While, I’m not advocating that there should be any heavy price to pay for having had sex on camera for commercial reasons, I’m just acknowledging the fact that there is a heavy price.
 
Interestingly and certainly, if compensations were based this way, where everyone gets paid one million dollars for their first scene, and nothing after that, you’d actually still see many a performer lucky
enough to be employed just once, working more than once… for the love of the sport/game… the adulation, fun and “fame”… and of course, the sex. And all these people would be disproving their own claims, if any of them had made them, that it was “just a job”.
 
“Just a job”?…as in blowjob?  fuckjob?….
 
But, regardless, a little imagination should suffice to understand the ramifications of shocked family members utterly disgusted and/or devastated by their child having become a “porn star”.
 
And, a little imagination should suffice to understand the ramifications of those who live or seek out post-porn professions with their carnal experiences forever out there for those around them to witness. While, it really  shouldn’t be a big deal, it, unfortunately, is.
 
And a little imagination should suffice to understand that personal relations between boy/girl “friends” would be no less potentially problematic, due to having sexual activity with numerous others as a profession.
 
Whether the ramifications are in regards to work, family, friends or others/significant others, what’s best in all cases is having an open minded, accepting and loving support group of individuals who will not damn and despise sex workers, past and present.
 
Regarding personal relationships, the only sane way to have one, while doing sex work, is to have an open relationship… just as being in and accepting one who does porn requires an open mind, so does a relationship, if it is to be healthy… and sane.
 
Having been in and out and in and out of porn for while (I started in early 1996 when William Clinton was getting freaky with cigars in relations he claimed weren’t sexual because they were only ‘oral’) I’ve had a few exes who’ve done both porn and/or escorting. Did them fucking others ever bother me? Not in the least. If it did, it would’ve been hypocritical of me.
 
Additionally, it might also make me, what a former frequent LIB commentator who called himself BiggusDiccus, the “biggest loser in the room”.
 
There’s nothing wrong with hookers (on camera or off).  In some cultures, past and present, they are held in high regard. In this stupid nation, however, you can enjoy any pleasure, and it will cost you money… any pleasure except sex… unless you’re married… And what’s that say about the sanctity of marriage if repressed blue-balled fools end up getting married while so sexed up?
 
In America, you can get a massage, but if you get a certain part of your body messaged it is illegal. Sorry, mutually consensual activity between adults is illegal in this so called “land of the free, home of the brave”.
 
I once read a porn girl who was in a relationship declare that it’s just a job, and that there’s no need for jealousy  on their lover’s behalf… and furthermore that there are guys she’s had to work with who she’s not at all attracted to. Interesting she would say that. What about the guys she WAS attracted to? Why did she only mention the guys she wasn’t attracted to, to justify what she was doing?
 
One of my exes who also did escorting confided to me that she enjoyed the sex around 70% of the time, including people she wasn’t physically attracted to.
 
Being in porn and having a relationship is definitely a problem, but only if you’re in a conventional relationship. It requires an open mind to be in porn and accepted for doing it. Likewise, an open mind is required to have a sane, healthy relationship, especially if you’re a sex worker.
 
At least one of my exes tried to condemn me for being in porn for “lesser” reasons than her… accusing me of doing it to get my rocks off, while for her, her claims were that her reasons were claimed to be loftier… having to do  with attention, adulation, entertaining others and being a “star”… suggesting that sex with other people has nothing to do with it… uh huh…
 
But what made her alleged reasons, assuming they encompassed the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, any loftier than simple barnyard level lust?
 
Even if the reasons were true, it’s still, no less, self-indulgence. Personal satisfactions, whether they include sexual lust or getting attention and a sense of worth is no less masturbatory.
 
Is there a heirachical scale where alleged reasons of “fame”, “adoration” and “attention” are more higher up then lust?  Or are these reasons lame excuses for avoiding the simple fact that one, by conventional standards, is “cheating”? Does the fact that one gets paid to have sex with others an excuse for it, or just an added bonus and layer to the whole “cheating” thing; for not only are you having sex with others, you’re also getting paid…. as if that justifies it?
 
Getting off is our jobs… we’re supposed to enjoy it… it might not always be easy and at times isn’t… but there are times where it, of course, is the best job in the world… as long as the concern of friends, family or  potential future employers is not a concern… or the concern of significant others.
 
As far as I’m concerned, all sex is masturbation. And if you think masturbation is cheating, then best of luck in your relationships!
 
Conventional relationships vary, as do less conventional relationships. While some draw the line of “cheating” as having sex with someone else, some think jerking off to porn instead of having sex with one’s significant other equates with cheating. It could be construed that fantasizing about someone else also “cheating”?
 
I had a porn star ex who was escorting and thought I didn’t know about it, when I told her I knew and I didn’t care, that I didn’t consider it much different than sex on camera, she got angry.
 
I had another ex who “caught” me “cheating”, attempting to hook up with others, while she was spying through various emails… the same ex who admitted she loves sex and that she’s “fallen in love” with performers she’s worked with. I could only imagine if I ever said anything like that what satanic wrath I would’ve experienced. But for her, it’s no problem, because she claims she’s doing porn for different reasons.
 
Even if it was for different reasons, which I don’t agree with… it’s still the same thing both are doing… having sex with others.
 
While I was “cheating” or attempting to cheat, she was sucking and fucking cock… but not for the “evil” reasons I was accused of… being my own selfish carnal pleasure (perhaps my compensations were considered too small to be a reason for me working in porn?) … but for her elitist, “superior” reasons… attention, popularity, being a “star” and other shit… (all different modes of “getting off”, regardless).
 
I called this denialist, hypocritical and stupid… getting off on many more levels than I ever did, while displayed as  property for public consumption, touched by others and hands, mouths and genitals…
 
For me there really is no such thing as cheating because if my significant other wants to fuck someone else she should. If she wants to have a nice meal when I’m not around, then please enjoy it. “If you’re happy, I’m happy”  has always been my attitude… the kind of attitude you expect from friends, but not so called ‘girlfriends’ or ‘boyfriends’. One shouldn’t “cheat” themselves, I think.
 
Conventionally, “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” should not be called “friends” if the significant other’s pleasures are considered “cheating” if they are acquired through others than the significant other, itself.
 
Friends always encourage friends to have as much fun as they can… so why are significant others called boy and girl “friends”, when a jealous and possessive lover is not the kind of thing you’d
call a “friend”?
 
Again, one has to be open-minded to do porn. Of course the significant other should be priority in a relationship… I think marriages themselves would fare much better if the institution had open doors. The issue of cheating in marriages and relationships is all too common, regardless of the sex work factor added to the equation.
 
Having sex with the same person can become like having sex in the same position.. even if it’s your favorite position… or eating the same food… even if it’s your favorite dish.
 
So, if you do porn to satisfy your ego, to be a “star”, to be loved, admired, watched.. and if “falling in love” with your costar or the pleasure of sex with hot co-stars hypothetically is not even .01 percentage of a motivation (yeah, right), well  it’s still cheating anyhow, so you might as well own up to how much you enjoy getting fucked by random people and not let it bother you or your significant other.  “Get over it”, as they say.
 
An open relationship will end the idiotic hypocrisy, especially for sex workers.
 
So, if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you, you’ll know it’s love in return, and if they don’t they were never yours to begin with. This is a tough lesson for many.
Of course this is all just my opinion and it’s said that opinons are like assholes, but does mine stink?
 
You decide.
 

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