Saturday, August 15, 2009
Donkey Dong in the Bum
by Kayden Kross
After two blogs on oral people immediately started asking about anal and how to get their girlfriends to do it. Must be a subconscious thing. Then we’ll have the phallic stage followed by some latency where I go back to describing my love-hate relationship with chocolate and my balancing act at the gym to keep it all in check and finally come full circle to the genital stage, where I’ll tell you that sex is something that happens in marriage between a man and a woman who love each other very much. That’s what I was told anyway. Of course with an explanation like that I didn’t really figure out what sex was until sixth grade on the back of a school bus. Let me just say that one threw me for a loop.
Butt Sex. For most guys who haven’t had it it’s the Holy Grail. It’s just a matter of finding that chick cool enough to let them get away with it. Here’s a secret—look for the religious girls. I’m not kidding. We called it virgin sex because we met enough girls who will blow you until they’re blue in the face and take your donkey dong up the bum on a first date but won’t have vaginal sex until you put a ring on their finger. Just look for the wild chick from the private college or local ski lodge who practices any one of the Abrahamic religious offshoots and you’re golden. Butt sex express.
Or you can talk the current love of your life into it. Don’t buy that ‘exit only’ line. We’ve been finding alternative uses for things for millennia. It’s what makes us human. Did you know that 25% of the things you buy in a grocery store are made out of corn? I’m not just talking about food. Toothpaste has corn products in it. The very walls that the store is built from will have materials made from corn. If we can find 1 million uses for a starchy vegetable then we can find two uses for a butthole. Or three if you transport drugs in small plastic baggies. That’s not for this blog though and I probably shouldn’t talk about corn either. You get the point.
Ok so now that you’ve blown apart her first defense line let’s get down to her fears: poop and pain. Both legitimate. Poop is a relatively easy thing to solve. First explain the physics of it—poop is not waiting three millimeters past the opening ready to jump out and embarrass her. It’s much farther up, beyond the reach of your penis (unless your name is John Holmes). There is even an extra little valve between your penis and the poop that plays gatekeeper. But she’s going to worry about residue.
WWPCD. What would a porn chick do? Not all of them worry about their diets or schedule meals around anal scenes but some do. If it would make her more comfortable then afford her that luxury. Your goal is a penis in the bum and compromise is key. Let her do the scheduling.
That’s the preventative method. Now for the active role—there are three things that you will always find in a porn set bathroom: douches, baby wipes, and enemas. Porn chicks wash every orifice that they intend to use before any shoot. The enema bottle can be used for a quick rinse and then everyone is residue free, although honestly she probably doesn’t need it and all it does is makes her feel better when you have a goal to reach. Do not use an enema as is if you’re looking for something quick and drama free. The function of an enema is to make you poop. They are medical tools. Empty the liquid and refill with water then follow the instructions on the bottle from there. Now you’re rinsing instead of inducing body functions. Way to go.
There’s one more hurdle though if she’s new at this. You can get her bum as sparkly-clean as possible but once you get into it she might feel like she has to go anyway. Please please please believe her. When we first start having sex we sometimes feel like we have to pee from the pressure. It’s the same thing. The body is not used to the feeling and this may take a few tries to get past. Deal with it and just be glad that the situation is not reversed.
Pain. The worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life was when someone “missed” and I wasn’t expecting it. Do not “miss”. Ever. It’s not funny; it’s not a cute way to get what you want. It really feels like you’re being impaled. In fact if you’ve ever tried this tactic on anyone then you don’t deserve butt sex and I invite you to stop reading. So rule 1: make sure that both of you know when butt sex is going to happen. You don’t have to have a long philosophical conversation about the risks and rewards of sodomy. A nod and a grunt is fine. What I find works well is when the dude in question rubs the head of his dick against my asshole while he lubes up. It feels awesome and it serves as a polite knock without the awkward pause.
And now I’m effortlessly slipping into the discussion about lube. Treat her butthole like the engine of a perfectly maintained muscle car. Would you dare even put a key in the ignition without making sure that you had the right oil and plenty of it under the hood? Aside from wanting to be invited back at a later date your other interest in good lube lies in the fact that buttholes tear, and if you think blood coming out of a vagina is gross then you can imagine how this situation might be worse. Vaginas are made to take a little rough housing but there are a lot more nerves and the lining is a lot thinner when you’re talking about anal sex. Please beware.
Ok thus far things are clean, willing, and properly lubed. Now you have to get it in. I can tell you that the act of pushing a dick in is a lot more comfortable for the girl than when it’s pulled out. I can’t explain it and it goes against reason but just keep it in mind. If you do get it in and she asks you to take it out, do so slowly. Do not expect to shove the whole length of your man meat in with one fell swoop either. Think of the turtle and the hare. The hare will get bucked off and possibly be made to sleep on the couch and the turtle will have a mind-blowing orgasm. Be the turtle. You can change your race strategy down the line when you two are old anal pros but right now you’re asking her body to do something completely foreign while you blindly hump as always. Keep the perspective.
If you think you’re going back to vaginal sex once you’ve stuck it in the butt without a halftime shower then you’d better be prepared to practice celibacy for the next week while she recovers from a bacterial infection. I don’t care how much you washed her butthole. Don’t switch back and forth. You won’t see it happen in 99% of porn. What you will see is a nicely edited scene after the clean up has been cut out. If porn is careful about it then it must be important. We usually cut every corner we can find.
Positions: This is not the time to put her in pile driver or break out the Kama Sutra. Her favorite position for regular sex will probably be the most comfortable position for anal sex, but if you need a hint try missionary. Although the idea of anal in doggy is awesome because of the view it’s probably not something you want to push too soon because of the angle. We’re going for a long-term butt sex relationship with this girl, and whoever she is, she’s relationship material if she’s letting you stick it in the bum. Booty calls are relationships too.