Some things just don’t work out (a history of my career choices)
Life is funny, what with the curveballs it throws you.
My first career choice was art, but I don’t know if that was truly my decision… When I was little everybody said that I was a very talented artist, so that’s where I should be headed. I took classes to further develop my skills. But thinking of art as a job — as a source of money — made it all become daunting. I paint for myself. I’d love to have my work seen, but to part with it — I’m not sure I could do that. And I would hate to put a deadline on creativity… So, I made a choice to leave art as something that I will continue to love, and not risk losing part of that by sticking with it as a career. As soon as I could write, I also toyed around with the idea of starting a career doing that. But I treat it the same as art for now — I write what I want, when I want, and I don’t have deadlines. If someone wants to read what I write, great, and if not, I don’t care. My livelihood doesn’t depend on it!
I dabbled in a few things like music, drama, and ballet, and even tried to become a freediver, but those hobbies were only child’s play… What truly interested me for most of my life was the idea of becoming a flight attendant. To me they always seemed so glamorous, so busy, so important — always going places, and getting on that plane before all the passengers like they own the joint! I waited patiently until I turned 18 to fill out the application for a flight attendant training program. I procrastinated a bit though, having been distracted by family issues, so I waited a few months. I thought, “Hey, the travel business will always be there.” Then 9/11 happened! All of a sudden, people were afraid to fly, the airlines started losing money like crazy, and of course everyone stopped hiring flight attendants and started lowering salaries. I didn’t know what to do! My career plan became irrelevant… My hopes were completely dashed!
So, I set out to do something challenging with my time while I waited for the travel industry to turn back around. I began a 5-year Master’s program in linguistics and interpreting. Had I stuck with it, by the time I graduated I would have been able to interpret in real time from and to any of the following languages: English, Russian, French, and German. Unfortunately, I had two things going against me when it came to that program… See, I pick up languages fairly fast, however I need to look for logic patterns to be able to do that. Just my luck, aside from the languages I already mentioned, I also had to take Latin. And let me tell you, there is no logic in Latin conjugation… At least not as far as I could find! So I was struggling with that class, which is quite an unusual feeling for me. Not only that, but I kept not being able to find a certain classroom inside the huge twisted building of the main campus! And missing class is never good.
I gave up on the whole linguistics idea, using the fact that I didn’t like the location of the school as an excuse… I picked another college, and a program that my parents were not against — marketing communication. By the time I got my degree, I knew that market research was what interested me the most out of the fields I’d just studied. (Though I also worked in fundraising and for a local government agency while in school.) So I found work as a programmer at a market research company, which was great at first, but… As time went on, I realized that I wasn’t doing anything important with my life. I was making money, but the projects I worked on didn’t do anyone any good (aside from helping companies increase sales and stuff like that), I had no social life because of the long hours I worked, and I was always exhausted. One time I even had to work on a project which, while I cannot mention any details, was morally disgusting! On top of that, while I was expected to do the work of other people in my department who didn’t have the skills that I had, I was not given appreciation for the extra work. So, after several conversations with my boss, during which I tried to correct the situation to no avail, I decided to quit my job.
I had already done a few adult shoots just for fun (and because I was curious) by the time I quit my full-time job, and decided to go in that direction for a while. I had met a lot of really awesome people in the industry, and it seemed like a lot of fun. And it was a lot of fun for a long time, until I started seeing people lose themselves to addictions, or become catty and jealous of other people, or lose touch with reality after living a lifestyle of fast money, fast spending sprees, and endless meaningless or no-fun sex. The whole scene has become a bit depressing, and I don’t want to feel that way about something that has been so great to me in the past.
So yet again, I have decided to leave a job. I am focusing on bar/night life work right now, and probably some dancing in the near future. I myself don’t go out very much, but as a job I think it’s fun. And meanwhile, I am waiting for the airline industry to get back on its feet…