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Porno-no

Porno-no

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by Staff Writer Al Blanko

In the grand scheme of things, I feel I am only an average fan of pornography. If a 1 is say a Mormon, and a 10 is a bonafide porno fiend, I’m a 5. That being said, I’m still pretty vanilla in terms of what I like to see in a porno. It comes down to this, get one or more hot chicks that are into sex, and a dude to screw them, and I’m straight. Anything other than that is superflous in my opinion. I’m really more a fan of jerking off, and the porno is just my lubricant so to speak. Any deviations of just having a dude fuck one or more chicks, I have some issue with, and I’ll outline some of those below.

For starters, I don’t watch porno to see any woman. I watch porno to see hot and exclusive women. You can’t show me footage of random women, even ones I would screw in real life but that are just ok, and expect me to get turned on. Is it interesting? Sure, but I wanna stroke to dimes not deuces.

Sometimes after the dude busts, the chick will proceed to collect the jizz, and then consume it. This does nothing for me. The fantasy is to screw the chick, not watch her funnel cum. In my own life, after jizz comes out of my sack, I could give two shits what happens to it afterward. The chick can douse it with bleach for all I care, the point is the nut itself.

Another thing I’m not down with is multiple dudes on one chick. To paraphrase a Dave Chapelle bit, my dick is the star of my porno. There’s no co-starring dicks. Pornos are extensions of a man’s fantasies. When I fantasize, I never fantasize about myself and some other dude or dudes screwing a chick, so if you fantasize about gangbangs you are indirectly fantasizing about cock. Is that wrong, no, but now is the time to realize you are slightly gay.

This might be controversial, but for the most part I’m not with lesbian porno. It goes back to porno being an illustration of a man’s fantasies. If I’m watching lesbians, where do I come in? It’s a lesbian scene, there’s no dick! Sure I could imagine it, but I’m trying to see it for chistsake. Sometimes when I watch lesbo porno, it seems like the chicks are waiting for one of them to grow a dick. They do all this shit to get each other off, but it’s not enough because a dick wasn’t involved.

Another thing in porno I can do without, and honestly this occurs only in hood or urban themed pornos, is the lame ass music videos that are included. Dude, just screw the bitch, don’t rap about it! You have a 12 inch dick and a production company, but you ain’t 2pac. Furthermore, almost all music in any kind of porno sucks. Is that a rule, is that in contracts; “Music must suck.” Where do these producers get their sounds from, “Casio’s cheesiest sound files?” Shit, sometimes it seems like the dude that made the music was just practicing, honestly the shit is usually that bad.

Another pet peeve of mine in porno is when the actors fake their enthusiasm, women and men alike. When the women do it, it can mess everything up. Sometimes you can tell the chick just did the scene for the mortgage. Now when the men fake the funk, it’s mainly just annoying. It’s like when you win a championship, you act like you’ve been there before. Honestly when I see the fellas overact in pornos , I die laughing. Come on bro, this is your job and you’re acting like it’s the first piece you’ve ever gotten, trying to win an oscar and shit. I know you’re feeling good, but don’t overdo it.

That about finishes that up for now, I know I’ll think of other things in due time. I’m curious to hear what people have to think, particularly about the consumption of jizz shit. Please leave any comments.

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