Essay by Al Blanco
The second screenplay that was bought is called Snowdog: The Adventures of Agent Diego “Perrico” Blanco the Drug “Sniffing” Dog. I know it’s long and titles don’t usually have quotations in them, but I was given complete autonomy. It stars my dog Diego, who is a blue merle Australian Shephard. It goes like this: President Bush figures he has to do something big before he leaves office and authorizes the creation of a bionic drug sniffing dog to end the scurge of Cocaine coming in the country. Since Diego is half dog half machine, his nose lets him detect drugs which are within a 50 mile radius, so all you have to do is drop him in the general area and he will find the drugs. Additionally, they created him to be able to speak at certain times to extract information from him. The only problem is that when he finds the Cocaine, he actually sniffs it up and that triggers him to speak involuntarily, which is in a sterotypical Spanish accent.
Diego is dropped in Colombia and manages to find a cartel with tons of Cocaine, just as he was programmed to do. When he finds the stash, he sniffs it up and when the Colombians find him they themselves are coked up. He begins to talk with the Colombians and all they can say is, “Dios Mio, este perro esta hablando, cono.” The coke makes Diego forget his mission and he ends up hanging with the Colombians who take a liking to the talking perro and decide to take him with them to make a special delivery in Beverly Hills for a famous movie director, who turns out to be Steven Spielberg”er”.
The Colombians introduce Spielberger to Diego and he immediatlely sees dollars signs. He buys Diego from the Colombians and lets him sniff all the coke he wants. Diego stays for a couple weeks, fucking high class doggie whores but with the red thing coming out sporadically. Steven then takes him with him to New York because he is filming a movie, but tells Diego he will make him a star.
When Spielberger arrives in New York, he is busted for having coke residue all over every bill in his wallet. Diego is released because he has special clearance, but find himself homeless on the streets of New York withdrawing from his cocaine addiction. He sniffs out a huge stash of coke on the top floor of a high rise project building in the South Bronx run by Puerto Ricans. Because Diego is Latin he is able to reason with the drug lord that he is a valuable asset. The drug lord believes a talking Cocaine sniffing dog would be an asset to him and allows him to stay with him, sniffing all the coke he wants. A day later the feds bust the drug ring, but somehow Diego was let sniff cocaine AND heroin which causes him a violent reaction. When the feds bust in, Diego goes Larry Davis on them, biting them all to death and escaping. The movie fades with blood all over Diego face and the promise of a sequel to let us know what become of Diego.
So there it is and one of these two movies will make me rich. I’m already eyeing a Manhattan penthouse, probably in the Trump building. Like I said, if you start ass kissing now maybe I will introduce you to all the stars.