Sunrise Adams blogs July 30, 2007:
I sat on the counter in my bathroom this morning with mt feet in the sink, and stared at my face in the mirror, and I didn’t reconize the person staring back at me!!! I once was a person so full of life and with an undieing desire for true love, romance, happiness, and a life time of adventure with the right person!!! In my pursuit to satisfy this desire I became afraid of the pain another can cause by lies, cheating, secrets, fronts, and deceit… So afraid that my desire grew stronger and rushed to find that one special person. Until oneday, when I wasn’t looking, I became a monster, consumed with fighting for the respect and love I so long for!!!The mirror does not lie!!!! It shows your true self, flaws and all!!! For as I stared at the reflection of my own eyes looking back at me I did not see someone that felt loved or respected, cherished nor wanted. I saw great emplyness and despair!!! For the more I want my desire, the more I realize you can’t force the things you desperately need and want emotionaly from another person.. It just has to be there on its own!!!!
I find this monster in me yelling out now to get points cross that are so clearly seen to an open heart but deaf and blind to those who’s heart’s are only half way open… I get frustrated and angered easy now!!! I’m saddened so quickly by the dissopointments that the one I want to spend my life with, I feel can’t find it in him to give me the respect, love and selflessness I try everyday to give him…
I am not without my out flaws!!! As I stared at myself in the mirror it was all to clear!!! Why can’t I relax and live life day by day and when little things happen that make me feel so disreapected as a mate, why can’t I calmly voice my pain and walk away? Even to deaf, blind hearts sometimes it might save us great unhappiness if I can swallow my pride and let it go!! Instend I stand my ground and sadly but forcefuly scream out how I was wronged!!! I know I feel like I can’t let it just go with nothing said cause of the fear that one might take my silence as an open door to more disrespect!!!
The one I hold dear I would love to grow old with and live an untamed life with, full of love, understanding, great commuication, passion, romace, laughter, and fun. I find myself constently pleading with him, and I can’t understand why he can’t look in his own mirror and see his own flaws! I would give anything for this person. I would take care of him, and love him to no end but again you can’t force someone to feel the way you do, or give the emotional support you give!!!
I want so badly to be done with my monsteress self and let go of my anger… So maybe than I can look into the mirror again and see the things I so long for looking back at me!!!!