In the name of justice (really), senator and GOP presidential hopeful Ted Cruz sat down with Supreme Court Justices William Rehnquist and Sandra Day O’Connor and watched some good ol’ fashioned hardcore porn, which he revealed in his appropriately-named book, “A Time For Truth”. It’s tough to say whose idea it was first; after the Jagerbombs, strip club, and the late-night Taco Bell run, things started to get fuzzy for lil Teddy. Everything but the porn-watching is all idle speculation on my part, of course, but what’s a good story without a little embellishment?
“We were in front of a large computer screen gazing at explicit, hard-core pornography,” Cruz wrote. Apparently, the three were equipped with a tutorial set up by a court librarian, which taught them how to properly find porn online. Why would this even be a necessary thing? Why, for research and justice, of course: they were in the middle of a case about regulating internet porn, and I suppose needed to see it for themselves. And what better way to become acclimatized to your subject than to immerse yourself in it completely? It’s what Hunter S. Thompson did when he wrote about the Hell’s Angels, so it goes without saying that the same methods would probably work for Ted & co.
Ted, honey…we get that honesty is an admirable trait, and that telling everyone before the media exposed you was probably the safer path. Better yet, head on over to porn.com for your “xxx research” instead. Ted, you can create your own profile and keep track of your favorites in your own personal playlist. Share the best ones with your other GOP friends and you can have a real right-wing circle jerk! Don’t worry, we won’t tell the world about all the dirty, dirty things you favorite!
