A woman on Facebook named Brigida Maddalena Crosbie made the most hilarious post about her rules of sending dick pics. I seriously had to share it with you.
I don’t actually care what your dick looks like. I only like what it can DO to me. That said, if you really feel inclined to show me what it looks like …
1. Include your socks. (This might be a personal pet peeve.)
2. EVER send a flaccid one.
3. Use the TV remote as a measurement device.
4. Send a picture using your dirty bathroom mirror.
5. Make it shiny. Ew.
6. Use MONEY to measure it. I do not want to see $2 in quarters on your fucking dick. MONEY IS DIRTY. I am not impressed by its length; I’m grossed out thinking of all the hands that touched that money. That shit is NOT going in my mouth without a proper sanitation.
7. Send them out of the blue. If I haven’t seen it in person, I don’t want to see it on the phone.
8. Include your face. HELLO, I can send this to my friends. And I probably will if it’s particularly a) impressive or b) hilarious.
9. No wedding rings, please.
1. Reference the situation in some manner. We’re texting and you get hard? Show me.
2. Keep a little bit of hair down there. A shaved dick area freaks me out, but not on your shaft, I don’t want to think I’ll choke.
3. Be tasteful. I don’t mind a little bit of light stroking via video.
4. Consider lighting. Natural light is best.
5. Find your angles. Don’t make it look tiny!
6. Consider the backdrop. I can SEE the lady razor in your shower and I know you don’t have a girl roommate!
7. Ask before you send. Seriously. Be considerate. I know that you’d be happy getting 100000 surprise pics of my vagina, but you won’t be so settle your ass down. Just don’t blast a dick pic to me in the middle of the day when I’m in line at Starbucks. I will show the barista.