Have you ever been deep in the passionate throes of protected love-making and thought, ‘Yeah, this is okay, but I really wish there was a string of latex plying apart my butt cheeks’? Or, ‘Gosh, how I yearn for a warm rubber sack in which to keep my testicles nice and snug’?
All your troubling latex dreams are coming true, with the recent invention of the condom g-string. In this wholly unnecessary union, two unappealing entities have been combined to make the one repulsive thing — and, somewhat inconveniently, it’s an enormous boner-kill.
Invented by a group of Chinese students at the South Medical University in Guangzhou, this horrifying genital mask (or ‘Guardian of Love’) won a Competition of Cultural Innovation run by the Communist Youth League, which offered a cash prize to whoever designed “the next generation of condoms”. And yes: there are many elements of that sentence that boggle the mind and may pre-emptively send your penis into hiding.
But not everyone seemed so horrified by the idea. The project has been green-lit for a $300,000 investment from Guangdong Yuezheng Investment Management Limited, in Dongguan. And it comes with this helpful illustration:
As you can see in this incredibly technical concept drawing, the Guardian of Love has a few major differences from both your average condom and g-string. Its creators note that it features “a slip-resistant compact capsule and uses the principle of vacuum absorption to help store semen”. Fitted with a latex sack for your testicles and harnessed elastic base, this is clearly the condom for the outdoorsman. The guy who seeks active intercourse! Intercourse from all angles! Intercourse that may or may not somehow involve his balls!
At this point, it’s worth noting that five of the condom’s six creators were actually women. Even its trial product (in the feature image above) seems to have been fitted on a female mannequin, so real-world male involvement with the product may be iffy at best.
But I guess we’ll find out soon enough: The Nanfang and China Times are both reporting that a batch of 10,000 thong-doms is currently on its way to Australia. (Meanwhile, researchers at the University of Wollongong announced this month that they were working on a self-lubricating, skin-like condom that will actually enhance sexual pleasure. You should wait for that one instead, probably.)