Mankind is fucked up and I’ll tell you why. Bored with conquering inner space (human genome) we trail-blazed off into outer space, making the moon our pit-stop in ’69 and now we’re beaming back images from Mars. MARS! We even constructed a city-sized atom smasher and proved the existence of the Higgs-Boson – the very particle which explains why everything has mass. And just last week I heard some Russian guy is working on cracking the code to human immortality.
Meanwhile, in some sleazy Burbank porn lab, Uncle Ticklefish has just put the finishing touches on his latest sex invention, latex enema pants. Now your friendly neighborhood psycho can enjoy taking a piss anywhere and with just a couple easy squeezes of the hand pump, said psycho can discreetly divert and hide an entire load of piss in his own ass!
“DAFUQ?!” is right, loyal reader.
Sex toys have gone over to the dark side. And the results are pretty terrifying. If space travel and particle physics are reflections of man’s ingenuity, then surely dudes walking around with piss-filled asses is a testament to man’s other natural competing urge – unabated perversion!
I give you the things that should not be.
1.) Area 51 Love Doll
Our lust for sex knows no bounds. It was just a matter of time before humans thought about fucking aliens. This should appeal to all you old-school “Total Recall” guys out there. Yes, that cerebral scar runs deep. I can barely remember my long division, but I can recall triple titty bitch with HD mind quality.
2.) Butt Periscope
Hey you fucking square! Ever wanted to see the shit-filled, fleshy insides of your loved one’s asshole? Designed by Satan himself, the butt periscope allows whatever depraved soul to get a colon-centric view of a bum. It vibrates too. Free your inner ass pirate. GAWD!
3.) Binder Sack
I’m sorry, but this is genius. Whoever invented this and I use that term loosely, just fucking saw a body bag one day off CSI and thought it’d be a grand idea to sexify it! The binder sack completely immobilizes its victim with joint restricting bonds while tastefully showcasing their utter helplessness in eye-catching fuchsia! I don’t even think it comes with breathing holes.
4.) Dish Fister Glove
One of the little annoyances about fisting is that at the end of the anal ordeal, one gets left with shit-caked elbows. Bah, no more! Because with the this 20-inch long protective fister super-glove, you can plow your whole arm in and out of a cavernous brown eye all day, all night! Who knows what you might discover in your crazy ass-spelunking adventure? (sorry, Indiana, just poo.)
5.) Electro Sex Gloves
Because seriously, who doesn’t think “SEXY” when they think of electricity? The website says not to use on broken skin. This is the real deal, boys and girls. How Frankenstein likes his hand jobs!
6.) Inflatable Butt-Fucking Cushion
For folks who never got over their anal fixation, the inflatable butt-fucking cushion is something you can use in your everyday life, you fucking lunatic. Imagine watching some telly. Now imagine watching some telly with a plastic thumb up your arse! ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ would still suck hard. Yoga? Gardening? Scrap-booking? Take out the mundane and replace it with a little insane.
7.) Justine Joli’s Foot Job Stroker
Meet Justine Joli. She’s the premier red-headed goddess of porn. Smart, quick-witted, confident and manifesting every hot ginger trait ever, Justine is pure fantasy come down from the heavens. Now awe-struck mere mortals can enjoy weird foot fun with Justine Joli’s Foot Job Stroker. Someone basically made a creepy cast of her feet and yeah I guess that kooky shit flies nowadays.
8.) Latex Enema Pants
I made mention of this horror before but let’s over it in detail. Since I’m not naturally inclined to be a level 62 piss wizard, it took me awhile to figure out what the fuck these pissy pants actually do and why. Where’s Billy Mays when you need ‘im? For reasons totally unfathomable to me, one can take a leak into a catheter-looking tube which then reroutes the urine not into a toilet where it should fucking go, but seeps it into one’s butt cavity thanks to an air-assisted hand-pump. This is a thing? WTFF!
9.) The Curve Male Chastity
And the freak train keeps right on rolling. This cock prison looks like it was the joint creation of Harry Houdini and fucking Jigsaw. “Do you wanna play a little game? I’ve hidden a key in your ass, you have thirty seconds to find it or you will never be able to jack off again…Live or die…”
Oh, it’s lined with mini breathing holes so your dick won’t slowly go into necrosis. Safety first!
10.) Concubine Masturbator
I’ve saved the worst for last. What your brain is trying to recognize is a scary mess of female sexual parts fused together and yes, that is a penis-head positioned at the top. By using this totally dehumanizing “sex toy” you are pretty much coming out to your frightened mail-man as a serial killer. I weep for this world.
But wait, *barf*, there’s more.