Editorials

The Titty Engine That Could

The Titty Engine That Could

The Titty Engine That Could!

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..”

Strange and wonderful things have come out of Japan: hentai. Tentacle porn. Hello Kitty. Those weird socks with a separate spot for your big toe that fit in sandals. I feel, at this point, that I shouldn’t be surprised by anything Japan-related: I should be jaded and disinterested. But here I am, watching a GoPro camera strapped to a toy train try to make it in between different sized breasts, and it’s great. The video is narrated by what sounds like David Attenborough’s sister, and appears to be showcasing Japan’s boobylicious offerings. The point of the video? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps they are genuinely interested to find out if a toy train can make it through a D-cup tit tunnel. Maybe it’s for science. Or their space program.

As the video starts, the charming British narrator claims that “Japan’s cool breasts are almost the same as the Arc de Triomphe.” A bit puzzling, but sure…we can say that. For all intents and purposes, the breasts (or ‘oppai’, as we are told) are acting as an archway: a model is down on all fours, one boob resting on each side of a set of train tracks, and the narrator calmly states, “Japan’s cool A-cup.” The William Tell Overture plays, and the train starts its journey along the track. The model stays still, the train clatters along, and…it doesn’t make it through the boob arch.

It was then time to move “up”. So what happens with slightly larger boobs? Sadly, the same thing happens for cup sizes B, and D, though hearing the train struggle against its obstacle and watching the GoPro camera bump into the too-small tits over and over again is, admittedly, pretty hilarious. It eventually makes it through with the F cup, though in a bizarre twist (or, really, not so bizarre for Japan), they bring forth a P-cup. The poor train smacks right into the immovable wall of boob, and the fun part of the video ends with the struggled clicking of the defeated toy train!

Apparently, some people in Japan want Japan to be known not for their Hello Kitty or toe socks, but for their breasts. I never really thought of Japan in terms of tits before; it actually seems like a pretty tame thing to want recognition for, for the country that has a suicide forest and a yearly festival where men strip naked in public to fight off evil spirits. But here I am, watching the tit train video for the tenth time, still mildly amused, and still amazed that Japan hasn’t run out of weird things to show us.

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