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Top 10 Naughty Christmas Movies!

What’s even more nauseating than Christmas itself is the slew of warm and fuzzy Christmas-oriented movies that are relentlessly butt-fucking your television programming for the next three weeks. Haven’t seen Miracle on 34th Street or A Christmas Carol ? Good. You have approximately 10,000 opportunities to watch them and stab your eyes out with a candy cane.

Looking to duck all this intolerable festive cheer? Add generous amounts of giggle water in your eggnog and check out my list of naughty Christmas movies!


1.) Bad Santa

Bad Santa is one of the best anti-Christmas movies ever made. Billy Bob Thornton basically just channels himself in the role of a degenerate, booze-swilling mall Santa who works with his hilarious midget buddy/mall elf to rob department stores after hours. Film highlights include watching Billy Bob spewing profanities in front of children…and of course destroying a nativity scene in a drunken rage.

 


2.) Black Christmas

The first of its kind to inject horror into Christmas, Black Christmas (the 1974 original) is a tight, taut slasher flick on par with John Carpenter’s Halloween series.  It’s about a bunch of hot sorority sisters who get systematically offed during winter break by a crazed killer. Oh, look at that, it’s free to watch too. Thanks mysterious youtube uploader!


3.) A Nightmare Before Christmas

Simply awesome. Proof that stop-motion Christmas fare doesn’t have to suck. Check out some really fucked up cartoons here.


4.) Just Friends

Just Friends is the rare crowd-pleasing holiday movie that will entertain you without bashing you over the head with a sock full of sappy sentimental shit. And that “I swear” comedic bit is pretty hilarious too.


5.) Home Alone

Looking back on Home Alone now as an adult, I realize Macaulay Culkin’s character, Kevin McCallister was one twisted little shit. Faced with the threat of two burglars raiding his white suburban compound, Kevin, taking a page out of the Viet Cong Guerilla Warfare handbook, plants lethal booby-traps that seriously maim poor Joe Pesci and his pal (nobody knows this fucker’s name).


6.) Christmas Evil / You Better Watch Out

Jesus H. Christ, the shit one finds on IMDB.


7.) Reindeer Games

This is not a good movie by any means, but I’d rather watch robbers dressed in Santa Claus outfits having a shootout at a casino in the dead of winter than subject myself to another viewing of It’s a Wonderful Life-esque schmaltz.

 


8.) Go

This 1999 gem is frenetic, kinetic film-making at its very best and creative. It centers around three main characters with their own interchangeable story lines. Tarantinoid it may seem, but Go definitely stands on its own two feet. How does it tie into Christmas, you ask? All of the plot elements come to a climatic boil at a Christmas-themed rave.


9.) Ernest Saves Christmas

I haven’t seen this flick in over twenty years and I still think Ernest is King Fucking Daddy…know what I mean, Vern?


10.) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

This movie needs no introduction.

 

11.) The Hebrew Hammer

“Belac” recommends this kick-ass movie about a Jewish crime-fighting hero who saves Hanukkah from the evil clutches of Santa Claus! Thanks dude, this awesome movie completely slipped my mind.

 

 

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