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Top 5 Bad-Ass Bitches in Porn!

     In this devilishly fun carnival known as Porn, all of the rides are pretty much the same. Every ride, like every porn star is aggressively marketed to you with bright, shiny lights and there’s always some dumpy, old carnie running the show from behind the scenes.

So you walk around checking out what’s good and finally when you settle on some neon-lit metal monstrosity that definitely won’t make you barf up your 8 dollar funnel cake, you strap in, grinning like an idiot. After all, excitement and exhilaration and nausea are just moments away. You get as comfortable as you can as the anticipation rises from the awkward depths of your asshole and surges up your spine like a strick 9 devil. Your eyes squeeze shut and your toes instinctively curl as you brace yourself for the ultimate in cheap thrills.

What the fuck am I talking about? Porn stars are like amusement park rides? Okay, let me finish this up before I completely spiral out into mania.

In this beautiful wasteland of Porn, there are a few performers out there who have risen above their quaint dick-warmer status and become true icons of their craft. These special porn stars separate themselves from the common cock flock by way of their wit, personality and charisma. Here’s my list of the Baddest Bitches in Porn – and I mean “bitches” in the most endearing way, like a rapper affectionately refers to his committed girlfriend as “you’re my ride or die bitch!” and not like “Where’s my money or I’ll slash your face bitch?”

Okay, scrub that image. This is supposed to be a happy Friday post. My point is, these following performers are striving to create their own distinct brand and they do it by jumping on podcasts, writing blogs for awesome fringe zines like VICE, getting involved with fans in comic conventions and other gestures that aren’t designed to artificially woo fans, but are genuine extensions of their REAL personality.

Long gone is the unattainable notion of a bottle blond porn star with pneumatic tits that you can pump like a Reebok sneaker. We’re living in the age of hyper-information and these following brave and interesting individuals are actually doing what they love, calling their own shots and kicking fuckin’ asses.


1.) Asa Akira

Porn needs more Asian girls to dispel the notion that all Asian girls are cock-shy, mousey prudes who won’t give you the time of day unless you drive an expensive luxury car and pay for every goddamn thing. I’ve had my lion’s share of Asian women in my checkered dating history and Japanese hottie, Asa Akira is a breath of fresh alpine air when it comes to expressing oneself and not giving a screw about what the world thinks.

She’s even got her own podcast with some dude here: http://dvdasa.com/

Asa Akira’s Twitter Page


2.) Stoya

I’ve been plugging away in this business for years now and to be honest, I get sick of peering down the misery pit of uninteresting porn stars who don’t offer much in the department of well, anything. Stoya is her own bad-ass prototype that no one can mimic.

Seriously, her mind is the sexiest thing ever. In my fantasy, she would be whooping my lily ass in her kinky sex dungeon with loads of industrial music blaring in the background and I don’t even like that BDSM shit, but I can’t deny the small, tiny corner in my mind that screams “Hell yeah, it’s Stoya! Spank my ass until you shatter my monkey bone!” Then, after that business, we’d wind down with a bottle of vino and take turns reading delightful Bukowski passages. Then, I’d snuggle the fuck out of her. Can I get an “Awwww?”

Stoya’s Tumblr

What Stoya has written for VICE magazine

Stoya’s Instagram


3.) Joanna Angel

You may know Joanna Angel from that notorious lemon tree porno, well she’s matured since then and established one of the biggest alt-punk sites on the intertubes. It’s not every day a porn star starts her very own CULTURAL MOVEMENT! It’s no wonder she was voted the best crossover star at the AVN awards.

Joanna Angel on Cracked.com


4.) Andy San Dimas

Andy San Dimas makes this list mainly because her stage name makes reference to a high school and town in those zany “Bill and Ted” movies, which I fuckin’ adored as a kid. Okay, she might not have done cool shit like the above mentioned, but she is pretty damn sexy.


5.) April O Neil

Okay, her stage name notwithstanding, April is definitely the coolest porn star in the biz. She’s an avid gamer, loves science fiction, loves doing her own cosplay, goes to comic book conventions and is basically me minus my handsome dick and big, juicy tits added in. Hey, dicks can be handsome. A girl told me so! But I bet she tells that to all of the fellas. Oh, anonymity, I love you.

April ‘O Neil’s Twitter

April ‘O Neil’s Tumblr

April ‘O Neil’s Porn Scenes!


 

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