We’ve been trading email over the past few weeks. Vanessa ended up interviewing me:
V: What does porn mean to you? How has the exposure to the porn world affected you?
L: Porn represents adolescence to me. In my teens, it was a big deal and occasionally I still get that adolescent thrill. Mainly it is just a world with incredible stories… It’s affected me by making me more conservative and largely relieving me of my sexual fantasies…
V: Can you explain it in more detail? What were those fantasies?
L: I had dreams as a teen and in my 20s of achieving lavish sexual satisfaction…a la what is pictured in porn movies. Porn over-exposure through my work killed those fantasies and I am better able to lead a productive monogamous life. Exposure to porn led me to hate porn and its lifestyle.
V: Are you happy?
L: I’m ok… I’m busy and reasonably satisfied.
V: What are the things that give you most satisfaction?
L: Worthy achievement… Hard work that succeeds.
Luke, I spoke to my lawyer this afternoon and he said we will sue you for posting all this defamatory stuff on your site about me without my permission! See, the exclusive rights to my life story are tied up with a publisher in Romania who is negotiating with a major hollywood studio about making a movie…
Just kidding! Sorry, I have a strange sense of humor… I hope you understand.
I just wanted to thank you for posting the interview, I have been so excited about it all day long since I saw it online. It made me very happy, I can’t get tired of looking at it.
So, I guess the good thing for you that came out of the exposure to porn is that you got it out of your system.
You must be more at peace with yourself now. I wish I could get it out of my system…
You sound very serious in your answers. As if one day history might judge your statements. I guess it is reasonable to be cautious, especially talking to strangers via email. Sorry if I am so curious, but I just have always been interested in finding out who the people are that do sex work – to the point that I became one myself – and I am equally intrigued by what I know so far about you, because you are not a sex worker but you have spent an inordinate amount of time in and around porn and I just wonder how somebody like you who is obviously an intellectual and somewhat sensitive man has been able to fit into this whole porn world. In truth, I am more interested in finding out how you didn’t fit, and how that experience was for you, on a more emotional level. I’d like to capture a little of your adolescent side, which I hope you haven’t buried.
>What percentage of trannies you know are happy? I can’t imagine it’s a happy way of life.
I am not sure I know what you mean by “happy”. What percentage of people you know are happy? I guess you refer to the fact that being a tranny adds a lot of difficulties to life, especially in terms of acceptance by society in general. If happiness could be defined by the absence of difficulties, then I would have to say that most trannies are unhappy.
But you know as well as I that happiness escapes such definition. Things have been changing a lot in these past years, it’s a lot easier for theyounger generations who are very accepting because they have grown up with a lot of exposure and information available through media and especially the internet. But for the older generations, even including mine (I am in my 30ies) things are still difficult. I lost my job as assistant to a producer when I transitioned, and that effectively terminated for good my career in the movie business, even though I had already earned credits as associate producer. I know of a lot of really sad stories, especially when it comes to people being disowned by their families. I am lucky in that I am “passable”, meaning I really look like a woman. You wouldn’t know that I am trans if we met, however we all have seen individuals who left you questioning about their gender and who were recognizably trans. Those are the ones who get the biggest beating because people will point fingers at them every day of their lives.
To be trans in this society means to have to live with a base level of anxiety, because you never know when and if you are safe, you never know for sure if people will accept you or if they will laugh at you or reject you. For example, right now I am not sure what you think about me, and I have to take a risk in opening up to you hoping that you will not reject me because of my being trans…
Being trans is not really a choice. You might consider it a birth defect, even though that term has a negative connotation. When people deal with their condition and change gender (which doesn’t always mean that they go all the way to having “sex change” surgeries) they become happier in that it put them in a position to start living. But it
doesn’t solve any of the problems that life puts in front of everybody. It just puts them in a place where they can start dealing with problems,
All trans would probably prefer not to have a mismatched gender, because it just would be so much easier when you are born with everything just fitting right.