Adult Business

Who The Fuck Nicknamed Johnny Goodluck “Rocket”?

This is one of the greatest things ever, I actually put this right there with James Bartholet pretending be a girl in interview, then naming himself as her best friend.

Let me set the mood, I had just woke up, grabbed my financed iPhone, and saw a text from my the head of my research department.  Now, I always wake up to a text from him, usually it’s something like “I made love to a Herzegovina refugee, do I have to buy her flowers?” I say no, and he’s like, “But I came inside her.”  I explain to him to that when its a refugee, you don’t have to buy them flowers, they don’t know anything about Little House on the Prairie, he asks “What does that have to do with anything?” and I chuckle and ignore him.

So imagine my surprise when this mornings text isn’t refugee sex related, but something much more sinister.

Behold, Johnny “Rocket” Goodluck

Johnny Goodluck

I’ll give you a couple minutes to wipe the tears from your eyes, and focus.

Now, first and foremost, you can’t in good faith tweet a picture like that, knowing I’m gonna see it, and not expect me to make fun of you.

Before you start making fun of me, Johnny once threatened me with his motorcycle gang:

As you can see in the last paragraph, not only does Johnny privately make fun of his Publicist, Erika “Shrek” Icon, but he implies that his club is gonna beat me up.

So far, Johnny’s MC hasn’t beaten me up, and I’ve asked him how long it was gonna take.

Maybe they saw this tweet:

LOL.  That tweet still makes laugh.

Johnny trying to look cool is great though, I’m surprised he didn’t shave his little dog to look like Dr. Evil’s Mr. Bigglesworth, Dana De Armond’s cats evil twin.

My biggest question about that picture who the fuck named Johnny “Rocket”?  Was it like Seinfeld when George wanted to be called T-Bone?

Was Johnny walking around with a model rocket for weeks at time until some said, “Let’s call the slow guy Rocket”?  Rocket used to be a cool name, but Johnny set that name back 100 years…

The most famous Rocket of them all:

When you google people named Rocket, these are some of the things that pop up:

This dude is way cooler than Johnny, check out his bad ass vest.

This guy has cool gloves, and an aerodynamic helmet, way cooler than Johnny.

The Rocket in this picture have more friends than Johnny. To be honest, I have no clue who those skateboarding kids are, but they dress better than Johnny, and they aren’t wearing some Potsi Webber glasses like Johnny

There’s this chick, she looks pretty tough, probably has a nice bush, might not even be named Rocket, but still cooler than Johnny.

And of course, there’s this guy:

That guy went on tour with Billy Joel, did a song with Eminem, and has lots of money, he’s way cooler than Johnny.

You know what picture DID NOT show up when you google people named “Rocket”?

Johnny Goodluck

How long until Johnny orders a 1% patch off ebay?

I think the cigarette in his mouth really sets this pic off.

I can see how it happened:

MC Leader “Hey bitch boy, when you’re done cleaning my bike, light me a cigarette.”

JG: “Yes sir, but can we take a pic of it dangling out of my mouth? I wanna impress some chicks.”

MC Leader: “Can we fuck them first?”

JG: “Yes sir, of course you can.”

MC Leader: “Fine give me your iPhone 5, then go walk my dog.”

I know Johnny, you’re gonna get me.


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