Yesterday, in between being super cool, dead lifting 475 for reps, and enjoying a delicious RedCon1 Total War, I called the 4th most important person in porn. For those that don’t know, there is a Porn Hierarchy.
5. Mike Quasar – Cheerleader Connoisseur, won’t bang FIDO
4. I never reveal a source, but this person won’t have sex with a dog
3. Christian CX3 – Ability to have sex with anything, except dogs and cats
2. Mark Spiegler – Discovered Abella Danger & lost 14,000 dollars in a coat pocket only to find it a year later, loves pets
1.Peter Warren – Has 4-somes with high quality chicks, can grow a beard, and is safe around pets
As you can clearly see, Jessy Jones is NOT on that list. Hmmm.
So anyway, I’m talking to this person, whose pronouns are, “$” and “teeball” and this person proceeds to tell me a XBIZ red carpet story.
According to the high level porn source, a douchebag looking guy walked up in a “plastic suit, wearing sunglasses” and its night by the way and he ain’t Corey Hart, and tried to climb over or move the red carpet rope.
At which point a 60 plus cookie baking, church singing, bingo loving granny came running over and pushed him back and told him he needed to wait in line like everyone else…
Apparently this loser tried to do it again, and the 60 plus AARP member pushed him back behind the rope. The sunglasses wearing douche told the 60 plus Golden Girl watching, Richard Dawson loving, DEVO Dancing Grease fan “never to put her hands on him again” or else. LOL.
Now what kind of guy would threaten a 60 plus YUGO driving, Kennedy Voting, Hollywood Squares loving Grandma? If you guessed Jean Claude Van Dam,e, you’re wrong. It was…… Jessy Jones.
I’m sort of happy this happened. As some of you know, Jessy has been saving up his money to hire a hit man to kill me. He’s probably half way to the 500 bucks by now, and this old lady may have taken my spot on Jessy’s list of people he wants to kill.
I just hope Lil’ Timmy isn’t with Granny when Jessy pulls up in the UBER screaming “I’m Somebody Dammit. I invented the piano key necktie.”