Fans of leading adult site xHamster have selected an 27-year-old amateur known only as John Brutal to star as President Trump in the company’s upcoming hardcore parody series. The would-be Trump’s first scene will be shot in Los Angeles after the site has finalized supporting roles of Bannon, DeVos, Conway and others.
“For a role this important, we couldn’t choose an establishment porn star,” says Alex Hawkins, Vice President of xHamster. “Brutal has it all: small hands, bad hair, and absolutely no experience. We’ll be flying him out to Los Angeles for his initial shoot in the next month, and will begin preparing for the next four years with him.”
Brutal, a 27-year-old dialysis technician from Minnesota, whose ten-second audition tape features him calling his co-star a “pig” and “a horrible woman,” entered the contest on a whim, but is eager to join the adult community.
“My fellow Americans, as your newly elected cumander in chief I want you to rest assured that I’ve got yuge plans for our great nation,” said Brutal. “I want to be the President of porn for all xHamster fans and I won’t stop busting my ass (or busting on asses) until I’ve helped deliver the most wonderful, the most fantastic, the most beautiful scenes ever filmed. I mean big league cinema, okay?! Friends, trust me, place your sexual futures in my normal sized hands, and place some lube in yours; together…let’s make America ‘cum again.”
Blair Williams has already signed on as Trump’s daughter, Ivanka. xHamster is still casting the other roles, but Julia Ann has expressed interest in playing Kellyanne Conway, and Tommy Pistol to play Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto. Other possible roles include Nina Hartley as Betsy DeVos, Ron Jeremy as Steve Bannon, and Jenna Jameson as herself.
“This will be a parody production worthy of the Trump administration,” said Hawkins. “While we have little indication that our man can perform the job, we’re confident that if we surround him with talented people, we’ll all get what we want. And if worse comes to worse, we’ll just have him stand around watching women pee on each other and tweeting. It’s a win-win.”